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COMMENT 23h ago

This.

To add, your timeline is unrealistic op. Realistically it should be Nikah between 3-6 months instead about a year. And even than, LDR are super tough especially if you are in two different countries.

The potential for miscommunication/Misunderstandings are super high. I guess one thing you guys could do is setup a weekly video call and talk about whatever. But Also do online activities together, whether it be gaming or watching shows together, setting up an online blog/project. Something. (after Nikah of course)

But again, I would personally advise against it. Additionally, there is noooo way feelings dont get involved. Dont Kid your self.

Try searching for someone within driving distance or don't search at all. But thats me.

Good luck!

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COMMENT 1d ago

You can add extremist feminist, social justice warriors, right wingers and left wingers on to that list..

Really it's any extremist ideology. Islam teaches us to bring balance to our beliefs and lifestyle

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COMMENT 1d ago

In your profile or if you aren't comfortable with that after salams... the next sentence.

If not on an app asap

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COMMENT 2d ago

Couple points:

  1. You're young: this is the first guy you've "clicked" with there will be others, its not the end of the world.

  2. Deal breakers: I think you should discuss all potential deal breakers with your family as I believe they are part of your marriage process. If you don't care what your family thinks or they have to say in the process and you're "independent' thats another story. But seeing as you care. You should sit down with your mom/dad/brother/ and discuss what is is acceptable and what isn't. This includes drugs/drinking/premarital relations/prior marriages/polygamy/financial situation/other cultures/sect/etc. I'm sure theirs a list online somewhere.

  3. I personally think its deceptive and you were led on, the guy obviously knows no good potential will talk to him unless he hides it and brings it up later. There was a girl I was talking to who did this as well and brought it up a couple days later. Even if he doesn't want to publicly put it on his profile. The first things that should come out of his mouth are, fyi i've had an annulled marriage, don't want to waste your time, are you okay with this? and than continue on.

The thing with this method is, it ultimately gets your hopes up for people who get excited when the conversation is flowing and they are under the assumption of certain expectations. Him saying it after the fact is having that same affect on you right now. You got your hopes up, caught some feelings, and then were let down when he mentioned this this fact.

You're like omg, he was so amazing, etc, etc, all because you're new to this process. I see other people point out that its okay if people don't want to the whole world to know about their private life.

The thing is, their are filters on these apps for a reason. People care if you've been married before, whether you drink and smoke. And some people on these apps (especially young women) get their hopes up easily.

Personally I think both of you are fault. 1. you need to be emotionally stronger to not catch feelings so quickly. 2. He should be straight up and more up front about his past.

Per you're questions:

  1. Yes

  2. Yes - Talk to your parents/wali about deal breakers (discussed in point 2 above)

  3. Time/Sabr/ Go Pray...

0

COMMENT 2d ago

Is their a medical condition or something that prevents them from having intercourse?

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COMMENT 2d ago

Single Abdullah has gained +2 points in Wisdom!

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COMMENT 2d ago

Yaaa man, it's a mental grind for sure!!! Take a break, recharge your batteries. IA everything will work out.

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COMMENT 2d ago

Yaaa, that girl was naïve and didn't know any better. When things get real is when you really find out.

You know you would have better luck on like bumble or hinge or something like those apps, Muslim girls on there usually don't come with the cultural restraint. You could even potentially find a convert too!

I'm assuming this btw cause those apps are like more western, but what iv seen from other guy posts on this sub is that they have more success there.

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COMMENT 2d ago

You know the answer yourself already.

The problem is that you're Bengali and white, desi girls usually marry within their own diaspora because of family pressure. Not a high percentage that are that open minded. Its the same with Arabs as well.

Additionally, what is your Job? Do you make good money? Are you tall?

Desi girls really care about this stuff. Most of them are already educated and are looking for someone at minimum the same level as them or higher.

Pictures are part of the story yes, but theirs more to it than pictures and the bio.

If you want I can review your profile, but realistically how educated you are and what job you have is also part of the equation.

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COMMENT 2d ago

In my experience, girls almost never message first. However it is hit and miss, some do.

I typically always have to message first, and usually if they are remotely pretty, they are already talking to other guys to begin with.

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COMMENT 3d ago

Okay thats fair. I got a mental exercise for you.

Let say you're talking to a guy thats non doctor, everything meets your criteria. A month later, another guy comes into the picture that is a Dr. All else being equal. Will you ghost/end it with the first guy to focus on the Dr?

I guess the point of this exercise, I feel in your mind you will be settling if the guy you married is not Dr.

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COMMENT 3d ago

You do what you want. But understand the chances of that happening. How many eligible men meet your requirements and then add Dr to that. That might make the potential pool really small.

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COMMENT 3d ago

So in the prenup point, a prenup where it's hush hush between two parties has the chance of being thrown out in court later on. She can claim she was pressured or under duress with the lawyer she'll have in the future.

In the future, when planning a prenup the girl needs her own lawyer and you have your own lawyer, and both help negotiate for both sides.

It's probably more expensive up front but will save you money later on.

The rest of the stuff I can't comment on, but in general I would say use this experience to help you not waste time of both parties in the future.

1

COMMENT 3d ago

interesting, from like a religious and deen sense are you guys really religious? I'm debating trying hinge, But i do want someone religious.

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COMMENT 4d ago

mmmm, some of them, I've talked to my fair share of boring and can't really get past surface level conversation with female dr's too.
But overall as a an aggregate probably.

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COMMENT 4d ago

In general quality pics are everything with online, cause thats the first impression. Secondly keep expectations super low, you'll have people that are not "sure" about you or marriage in general, so they might ghost. You might like someone alot but they might not like you as much (so beaware)

its keeping expectations in check thats important.

Good luck!

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COMMENT 4d ago

Its good to start the search as early as possible. That being said IRL is better than online. Online is just an option/tool, it shouldn't be your main resource. Still though, online is better than nothing and its worth a shot (even if it sucks)

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COMMENT 4d ago

TRUE! - I find it hard to talk to Dr's cause like they have barely any life experience, all they know is how to Dr.

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COMMENT 5d ago

Yaaa, it gives false hope sending a pic, I wouldn't want to know either how a girl looked like especially if she wasn't attracted to me...if gives you that 'what could have been' feeling

Out of sight out of mind!

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COMMENT 5d ago

So like my parents joined a WhatsApp matrimonial group. On their they set the rules to follow, it's kind of like the old courting method. If a a guy is interested he sends the photos first, the girl has first say in if she's attracted to him, if their is no attraction the girl doesn't have to send because it ends there.
If the girl is attracted then they send and the boy will decide if he s attracted. If both are attracted to each other parents will talk. And get more background on each other families. Than at which point the numbers for the kids are exchanged and they can discuss whatever they want. (Deal breakers and the sort)

Sure from a 50/50 equality stand point it's not fair but the most of the emotional pain of being rejected Is put on the guys cause they should be used to it maybe..?? lol I don't know...

Maybe guys aren't as emotional and can take rejection?

But either way I personally liked their method...

6

COMMENT 5d ago

MA sister going into lockdown because of covid

2

COMMENT 5d ago

Some places are crap and boring...

1

COMMENT 5d ago

I have a good profile if you want I can review it for you privately

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COMMENT 5d ago

Yaaa, in general I think guys should send photos first and if the girl isn't attracted she should just say so. No point in ghosting.

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COMMENT 6d ago

Kool aid right from the bowl it self...