r/news May 04 '21

Cult leader found mummified, wrapped in Christmas lights in Colorado home; 7 charged Behind EU/GDPR paywall

https://www.ozarksfirst.com/local-news/cult-leader-found-mummified-wrapped-in-christmas-lights-in-colorado-home-7-arrested/
46k Upvotes

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7k

u/arcelyte May 04 '21

Damn...all the really good funeral ideas are already taken.

503

u/OhGodNotAnotherOne May 04 '21

Which is good.

I always wanted my ashes to be stuffed into fireworks and blown up. When I first had the idea, way back when, it was legally dubious.

But someone else in the past few decades came up with the same idea, put it into play and now, there are companies offering it as a legitimate service now.

So it went from a childhood joke to a real plan that, according to my friends, will happen exactly as I wanted.

So I have that going for me, which is nice.

250

u/281-330-80-04 May 04 '21

Hunter Thompson had himself blown out of a cannon. That’s the best I’ve heard of so far, although I was disappointed that it was just cremains and not the whole body.

7

u/tastyskiin May 04 '21

The guy who invented the frisbee had himself cremated and turned into a few of them

60

u/TheApathyParty2 May 04 '21

Years ago, this inspired my own funeral plans. It’ll be a Viking funeral, but I want the boat to be stuffed full of fireworks and any thing else that will go boom. Instead of flaming arrows, I want dozens of people to line up on the shoreline with fully-automatic weapons and just let loose on the fucking thing.

Then I want to have the afterparty to have tons of liquor and punch bowls full of all kinds of drugs. And strippers and hookers all over the place. I want at least one person to die from OD’ing and at least one person to get pregnant. As a circle of life kind of thing.

25

u/aLittleQueer May 04 '21

Wow, that sounds like a helluva party. Takes "going out with a bang" to a new level, lol.

I'd prefer just to be buried un-embalmed in a pine box and have a tree planted over me. Or to be buried in a mushroom suit, which is a cool new thing. Turn this ambulatory meat into plant food, and I'll be happy.

7

u/TheApathyParty2 May 04 '21

You’re invited!

5

u/aLittleQueer May 04 '21

Is apathy a requirement? Cuz I've got that by the truckload ;)

8

u/TheApathyParty2 May 04 '21

Nothing’s required, I don’t care. I’ll be dead anyways, just have fun!

6

u/OldSparky124 May 04 '21

You need to hire Michael Bay as your funeral director.

3

u/king_ralex May 04 '21

But whoever dies at your funeral has to have the same funeral plans, then whoever dies at their funeral must do the same, and so forth and so forth

2

u/TheApathyParty2 May 04 '21

Of course, like I said, circle of life.

6

u/djnehi May 04 '21

Stealing this.

7

u/TheApathyParty2 May 04 '21

Don’t forget the live music, either.

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20

u/kingsumo_1 May 04 '21

Also, Johnny Depp spent something like 3 mil on that cannon because it was specially made. They were apparently good friends.

18

u/Lutefisk_4_life May 04 '21

Imagine Johnny Depp dressed up like Jack Sparrow trying to push the Doctor's bald head down the barrel of the cannon like a coconut....then lighting the cannon and running away like only Jack Sparrow would.

2

u/Jwhitx May 04 '21

His final wish was actually to be shot at like a clay skeet disc thingy lol skeet...but anyways, he was misunderstood and they gave him a regular/boring cannon funeral instead. None of this is true.

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99

u/Carifax May 04 '21

My wish was to be cremated and have my ashes mixed in with some potting soil. Use the soil to grow marijuana plants and have my friends smoke them in my honor.

15

u/Jamaican_Dynamite May 04 '21

Ah yes. The "How High" ritual. I see you are a man of culture as well.

2

u/fart-atronach May 05 '21

“...More like the SKID MARK OF BUDDHA! It looks like he took a dump in the middle of your faaace!??”

2

u/Jamaican_Dynamite May 05 '21

"Baby powder?"

"Oh what smell that is?"

"You changin' DIAPERS?!" 🤨

full on pimp hand

2

u/fart-atronach May 05 '21

Lmao thank you for reminding me this movie exists. I haven’t seen it or thought about it in sooooo long

9

u/irenesophia_ May 04 '21

I saw this one post where this guy used his buddies ashes, mixed it into mycelium, then grew them into shrooms. I think that’s pretty neat

4

u/arealslickcamelstoe May 04 '21

Fuck yes. Always liked the weed idea but shrooms a way better one

2

u/lecturedbyaduck May 04 '21

That’s legal in Washington you know.

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7

u/WoodsColt May 04 '21

I want to be cremated and poured into the pepper shakers in the capital hill lunchrooms.

3

u/Channel250 May 04 '21

This is what happens when parents ask their children "is this what you want to do with your life?"

And the child's response is a solemn, but resounding..."Yes Mother."

2

u/Tprince6189 May 04 '21

My BFF wants her ashes put in salt shakers and given to all of us. Then when we are some where having fun we just toss a dash of her there. 🤷🏼‍♀️

1

u/DJ_Pussyfarts May 04 '21

I’ve put it out there that I want Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthin Ta Fuck Wit on the bagpipes at mine.

1

u/GCU_Reasonable_Lapse May 04 '21

See, it can’t be legal until some company can make money on it.

1

u/iLikeSpicyMems May 04 '21

there is also a video I’ve seen on a popular gun channel where when his father died so he put his ashes into a few shotgun shells and he and his son fired them off.

1

u/SuspectLtd May 04 '21

My mother has been asking for a Viking funeral for at least 25 years.

Even as a child I was concerned with permitting issues.

Now that she’s getting closer to needing it [stage IV] I’m beginning to think I’ll just hire some archery kids from the 4H and let the hippies downstream deal with it.

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2k

u/901191 May 04 '21

Get your body strapped to the outside of one of those Disney teacups and have the “pizza time” song play until a limb comes off

811

u/arcelyte May 04 '21

Jesus...how fast do you think they spin?

717

u/SkunkMonkey May 04 '21

Wouldn't have to spin too fast once decomp takes over.

163

u/H00L0GXNS May 04 '21

I love maggots on my pizza

107

u/901191 May 04 '21

like smaller, cheaper, and more thematic anchovies

38

u/Miaoxin May 04 '21

They taste nothing like anchovies, though. :(

Need salt.

17

u/H00L0GXNS May 04 '21

Kinda chewy.

9

u/RodJohnsonSays May 04 '21

...you guys are the reason why I don't talk about reddit in public with people.

5

u/demlet May 04 '21

Can't blame Reddit for casu martzu.

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3

u/randypriest May 04 '21

You have to keep going until they burst

3

u/MisterDukes May 04 '21

Same amount of protein though?

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2

u/RoundBread May 04 '21

Complete with greasy kids playing at the arcade

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1

u/wise_comment May 04 '21

The fuck theme do you think the teacup ride has?

1

u/apunkgaming May 04 '21

Ugh I was watching the Pacific last night and one of the guys is in the chow line when he noticed a maggot in his rice. The cook looks at him and said "consider it meat".

1

u/beardingmesoftly May 04 '21

I call them "funchovies"

14

u/Sextron5000 May 04 '21

Healthy AND disgusting.

36

u/H00L0GXNS May 04 '21

Slimy, yet satisfying!

2

u/Jack_of_all_offs May 04 '21

Pumba! Not in front of the kids!

2

u/ApoliteTroll May 04 '21

Rather that than pineapple

2

u/Splickity-Lit May 04 '21

That’s what she said

1

u/Hey_its_thatoneguy May 04 '21

She may not like pineapple, but she like when I drink pineapple juice..

2

u/capnclutchpenetro May 04 '21

You mean Disco Rice?

1

u/DontDoDrugs316 May 04 '21

I’m just here for the protein

1

u/OdinsBeard May 04 '21

Fulci could make a mean pie

1

u/Splickity-Lit May 04 '21

Who doesn’t?

1

u/blarghed May 04 '21

Protein is protein

3

u/wolfspider82 May 04 '21

Oh dear god!

2

u/LeftHandedFapper May 04 '21

That stomach acid will make it extra gooey

1

u/charlie2135 May 04 '21

You've, you've thought it out. Haven't you?

1

u/Channel250 May 04 '21

It's Disney, I'd be more concerned with the recomp

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208

u/boopbaboop May 04 '21

My partner once went on a teacup ride with his friend the professional rower and another friend. The rowing friend spun the teacup so hard that their other friend blacked out from the G-forces being generated.

29

u/talex95 May 04 '21

I sprained my thumb trying to spin it really fast. I found out some of them have a speed governor

7

u/SkullsNRoses00 May 04 '21

I assumed they did. I'm actually really surprised to hear these stories.

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81

u/robsprofileonreddit May 04 '21

Lmao yes fucking this, me and my brother went on the tea cups with his son my nephew, and we spun it a little too fast for the lil man

18

u/SiberianToaster May 04 '21

It was always apples at the fair for me. My dad and I would spin them so fast we had to have the ride stopped for de-puking

5

u/taosaur May 04 '21

It was always apples at the fair for me.

Is this the opening line of your coming-of-age novel?

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15

u/jimmiidean May 04 '21

I’m going to need Bill Nye to myth buster this one for me

25

u/AtreusFamilyRecipe May 04 '21

I mean it doesn't take much for some people. I occasionally greyout/tunnelvision just from standing up too quickly.

2

u/DaytonTom May 04 '21

You have blood pressure issues, most likely. My guess would be too low, but it could also be too high. Have you been to the doctor recently?

2

u/TheR1ckster May 04 '21

It's not too uncommon, but yeah get checked out.

1

u/AtreusFamilyRecipe May 04 '21

It's a combination of low HR and height. Doc says not to worry about it unless other cardiac issues arise.

2

u/TheR1ckster May 04 '21

Also mixed with dehydration and it's a perfect storm at amusement parks.

A lot of people momentarily Grey or pass out on rides even just as a fear response.

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2

u/lawerorder May 04 '21

I’m going to need Bill Nighy to act it out.

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3

u/Tana1234 May 04 '21

Tea cups is ligit the worst ride I've ever been on at a theme park a couple of beers 6 adults all spinning the middle faster.......never again

1

u/GeorgiaOKeefinItReal May 04 '21

This really sounds like something i would really want to see at a distance somewhere upwind.

1

u/Edelweiss123 May 04 '21

Never blacked out from the teacups, but my brother-in-law and I had numb hands for an hour after we exchanged an epic ~40mph high-five from passing cars on the scrambler

1

u/Impression_Ok May 04 '21

Had a similar thing happen with my friends when we were 13. My friend got so sick he actually turned a pale shade of green. I thought that was a thing that only happened in cartoons.

32

u/901191 May 04 '21

I assume there’s a throttle, you could get someone to just dial that bad boy up progressively to keep time with the music

17

u/Flutters1013 May 04 '21

you control the spin, so bring one of your strongest friends.

4

u/corkyskog May 04 '21

I don't think that's entirely true anymore, sure you are the one providing force to make it rotate, but there are governors in the form of brakes that can be employed and are also passively engaged during the ride. I knew someone who did maintenance at an amusement park, I think they used to freely spin, but now they don't... because reasons.

Entirely anecdotal, but I have no reason why he would make that up.

8

u/Flutters1013 May 04 '21

They were probably tired of parents or teenagers getting in those things and making kids sick.

6

u/corkyskog May 04 '21

In my dark mind I was imagining a toddler or baby flying out of one... but your theory is probably correct.

1

u/Channel250 May 04 '21

I make shit up all the time. Especially when I have a job that many people don't have experience with.

1

u/Gbcue May 04 '21

Oh there's definitely a brake and the turntable is impossible to spin. At the end of the ride, they all stop so they must all have some kind of governor.

55

u/ActionAccountability May 04 '21

I've always thought the tea cups had more in the tank and they were holding back on me!

12

u/Vio_ May 04 '21

1

u/Channel250 May 04 '21

What did you think the things in Beasts Castle did when the lights went out?

2

u/Odd-Acanthisitta-546 May 04 '21

tcups are UNDOUBTEDLY the best ride at any amusement park

1

u/ActionAccountability May 04 '21

Yeah to get me sick! A classic for sure though. I haven't been on any in more than a decade, I'm curious how I would hold up.

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14

u/CodingLazily May 04 '21

I almost guarantee that this "throttle" is an array of dip switches in an electrical box somewhere.

16

u/901191 May 04 '21

I do not understand how/what that works/is, but I am going to choose to stand by my statement regardless of whether it is grounded in reality or not.

5

u/durktrain May 04 '21

a noble stance and i salute you

2

u/LordTurner May 04 '21

Theres not, as far as I know, just an off and on button for standard operations. I imagine if you cracked open the panel it's all adjustable however.

Swinging ship though, that thing you can manipulate the speed of, by pressing the start button as it's swinging, giving the driving wheel an extra boost.

Obviously only talking from my own experiences here, presumably they all vary.

1

u/FoboBoggins May 04 '21

no most rides are just a start button and an emergency stop, lots are run on timers and have preset speeds, old school ferris wheels though i know are clutch operated and witht that you could some what control speed but even then its really just on and off

8

u/aaronisawesome May 04 '21

I believe he’s referring to the teacups at Disneyland. Which I think is the most known teacups ride. It’s the only one I know of. And in fact you do control the speed on that ride. There’s a wheel in the center that you spin with your hands and it makes the teacup spin

4

u/FoboBoggins May 04 '21

i know the tea cups, but he was talking operator end not rider side

Edit: i was once a carni...

6

u/_jukmifgguggh May 04 '21

Is this the ultimate deciding factor? I'm hoping fast enough for the pieces of the rotting corpse to scatter

1

u/WWDubz May 04 '21

About tree fiddy

1

u/alexcrouse May 04 '21

As fast as you tell them to.

1

u/TheDanAplan May 04 '21

This is no time for caution.

1

u/traimera May 04 '21

Fuck the disney teacups. You need those county fair strawberries. We would spin those things so fucking fast you could lay out flat against the wall. Disney is too safe. Get those rides set up by a meth head who travels the country with about zero fucks to give about you or your safety. That's the people who would let a corpse on the ride. Those are the people you need.

1

u/Oppressions May 04 '21

Just depends how strong you are

1

u/TheRealGrizeg May 04 '21

Oh fuck that's hilarious.

1

u/arthurdentstowels May 04 '21

I bruised my ribs and bruised some more on these. Couldn’t sneeze for weeks

1

u/meinblown May 04 '21

It's up to you how fast you spin them!

1

u/EntrepreneurPatient6 May 04 '21

As fast as those lathes in chinese factories…

1

u/Barondonvito May 04 '21

As fast as your dreams can take you

1

u/AsparagusFlex May 04 '21

I think they spin right 'round, baby. Right 'round like a record, baby. Right 'round, 'round, 'round.

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u/500SL May 04 '21

I’d like my body scattered around Disneyland, but I don’t want to be cremated...

6

u/901191 May 04 '21

It's like jackson pollack took a course in mortuary science just for the performance's sake

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u/semicolonthecat May 04 '21

This genuinely upset me, I’m impressed

10

u/901191 May 04 '21

Another fun option is to do the same but with the main arm of one of those soon-to-be-rolled-out amazon stock sorting machines, set to an ever increasing pace. Same pizza time song.

Obviously inside a warehouse.

3

u/abhijitd May 04 '21

Morticians hate this one trick

3

u/hamsterswearingsuits May 04 '21

My cat is sitting on me and I am trying so hard not to laugh and disturb her but the image of this is making it very very difficult

3

u/901191 May 04 '21

Just think of your cat pulling the lever

2

u/Lucius-Halthier May 04 '21

Have your body strapped to where the payload of a predator drone is and have it fly over Syria, drop your body and people will freak out but when you go thus you open up with candy for children and needed medicine.

That’s how I wanna go, either that or strapped to a rocket that will ensure I am the first human on mars, the rule never said I had to be alive god damnit!

3

u/DrEmilioLazardo May 04 '21

I want to be put inside a giant cake, but instead of jumping out of it and surprising everyone they'll discover my lifeless corpse inside when they're about halfway through eating the thing.

2

u/Throwaway56138 May 04 '21

I'm just so happy you helped me discover "Pizza Time." Brilliant piece of work, that.

1

u/901191 May 04 '21

The internet needs a Casey Kasem

2

u/Konijndijk May 04 '21

If you're going that route (and I suggestyou do), I'd recommend "Gimme Pizza" featuring the Olsen twins in slow-motion.

https://youtu.be/CJEoASUMZbI

2

u/replus May 04 '21

This is many times better than my idea of riding a Harley-Davidson off of a cliff wearing nothing but the American flag as a cape

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2

u/timbo4815 May 04 '21

Can you enlighten me on what the pizza time song is?

2

u/Vexed_Badger May 04 '21

And that's enough Reddit for today.

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1

u/flmhdpsycho May 04 '21

Man, that idea is twisted.

1

u/That-Ad-4300 May 04 '21

A very merry unbirthday to you!

1

u/WankSocrates May 04 '21

I am just hearing this for the first time and this is now the absolute funniest fucking mental image in ages.

1

u/humbltrailer May 04 '21

Didn’t know Westeros has a Disney park.

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '21

Another day on Reddit, another concept for a grindcore song.

1

u/I_AM_AN_ASSHOLE_AMA May 04 '21

I’ve always wanted my remains spread over Disneyland. I also don’t wish to be cremated.

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u/YoungMuppet May 04 '21

My idea of a waterslide entrance lubed with coconut oil into my grave while "Benny and the Jets" plays over loudspeaker is still not taken... I think.

9

u/StillLooksAtRocks May 04 '21

Replace the water slide with a ski jump and have friend's and family place bets on the distance. Winner gets my assets (not much).

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u/Sapper12D May 04 '21

You just have to plagiarize the one you like. I'm currently leaning towards having my assets liquidated and flying in an entire funeral parade from new orleans to my small Midwestern town.

Now i just need enough assets.

60

u/arvidsem May 04 '21

I read 'liquidated' as something you would do with a very large blender and just stopped for a minute trying to figure out how to connect a corpse smoothie with a funeral parade.

On second read, it makes perfect sense, but I'm going to stay with my first interpretation.

10

u/Sapper12D May 04 '21

That's a new creative take on a funeral parade.

3

u/Wild_Marker May 04 '21

"I'm gonna liquidate your ass...ets" is what I imagine accountants say when they want to threaten people.

3

u/Channel250 May 04 '21

It's not a corpse smoothie, it's a DETH DRANKKKKK

2

u/kevingranade May 04 '21

Slimy, yet satisfying.

2

u/PM_ME_UR_DINGO May 04 '21

On this episode of "Will It Blend"...

2

u/brieflifetime May 04 '21

May i introduce you to aquamation. :D Just as fun new layer to think about regarding "liquidated".

2

u/Dirtyracetraitor May 04 '21

Corpse smoothie, new band name!

2

u/snotwimp May 04 '21

thats easy, once the funeral parade hits full swing just have a crop duster do a low flyover and mist the entire scene with a tank full of the dearly departed.

5

u/Great_Chairman_Mao May 04 '21

Strap my body to a UAV and crash me into Mt Rushmore.

2

u/Ghos3t May 04 '21

You don't need assets, just ask johnny depp to plan your funeral

2

u/ninja_flavored May 04 '21

My big idea for my funeral, is to be fed into a wood chipper and sprayed all over my friends and family.

1

u/GloriousReign May 04 '21

Why not a natural burial? Please be one with nature friends.

3

u/Sapper12D May 04 '21

Idc what they do with my body, after the parade.

1

u/GloriousReign May 04 '21

Don’t forget to request receipts!

56

u/OneSidedDice May 04 '21

Now when I die--don't think I'm a nut--don't want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut.

18

u/raspwar May 04 '21

Born in Arizona, moved to Babalonia

11

u/IHeldADandelion May 04 '21

Had a condo made of stone-a

2

u/Channel250 May 04 '21

Classic. It always makes me at least smile, but I still have no idea why.

5

u/norsurfit May 04 '21 edited May 04 '21

Sure, when the ancient Egyptians do it, it's "fascinating" and "historical" and "culturally significant",

but when I do mummification in the living room of my Colorado house, suddenly it's "Felony Corpse Desecration"

6

u/AlreadyTakenNow May 04 '21

The best Christmas decorations, too!

3

u/garyh59 May 04 '21

were they the little blinky lights or the big colored bulbs?

1

u/amateur_mistake May 04 '21

Love Has Won was obsessed with christmas lights. When they briefly tried to move to hawaii that was one of the main things they brought with them.

4

u/FBI_Agent_82 May 04 '21

I'm having my friends dress me in a Superman costume and tie me to a big ass fan. As I fly around the room "I believe I could fly" will play.

2

u/Lutefisk_4_life May 04 '21

Aim for the bushes

4

u/Lampmonster May 04 '21

Just throw me in the trash.

3

u/Regendorf May 04 '21

You can always die crushed by an elephand at the moment of the orgasm while having sex with two women.

3

u/created4this May 04 '21

That's not really a funeral plan, that's a death plan

2

u/Regendorf May 04 '21

An elephant crushed you, there is not much to make a funeral to. That's why it works, 2x1

2

u/TheRightOne78 May 04 '21

You say that. Colorado recently just passed a law permitting outdoor cremation.

5

u/lonewolf143143 May 04 '21

Told my wife to just yeet my body into our pond & let the wildlife have at it

1

u/Lutefisk_4_life May 04 '21

We are a creative bunch

2

u/TheRightOne78 May 04 '21

Ya. Oddly enough Im pretty sure the law was passed specifically because of some of the "religious" groups in the region where this took place. Crestone and Westcliff have had a lot of unusual stuff go on with the groups that make up the region.

2

u/Lutefisk_4_life May 04 '21

And I thought Utah had the corner on weird religious zealots

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u/tribrnl May 04 '21

You gotta go with the classics - big ornate tomb hidden somewhere and arrange for the murder of all of the people who put you there to keep the location a mystery.

2

u/norsurfit May 04 '21

Corpse gender reveal party!

2

u/Nametoholdaplace May 04 '21

This was a little different than a funeral, she was decently decomposed in a trailer park, with a bunch of people doing drugs around her body.

1

u/arcelyte May 04 '21

Thanks. Hey everyone, Captain Literal is here!

1

u/Nametoholdaplace May 04 '21

I just don't think the articles are painting the picture well enough. I'm glad they do focus on the child abuse aspect though, poor kids had to be next to a rotting corpse for a long time.

1

u/Beagle_Knight May 04 '21

There is a sub about this cult r/LoveHasWonCult

1

u/whyrumalwaysgone May 04 '21

I want my ashes to be surprise thrown in the face of my enemies by a stranger.

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