r/funny UnnecessaryInventions 5d ago

I invented unnecessary products and today I made the Cob Quicky.

144k Upvotes

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6k

u/CurlSagan 5d ago

Just in time for Father's Day!

1k

u/TheFrenchPasta 5d ago

Perfect, especially with a "Miso Corny" apron.

290

u/nerfed_potential 5d ago

These should come together in a combo pack. Some of this guy's stuff would actually sell I think. I would buy this.

47

u/agasizzi 5d ago

In a world where truck nuts are as popular as they are, this guy could definitely make some money

7

u/DaniJHollis 5d ago

I hate that I knew exactly what you were talking about when you said Truck Nuts.

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u/aledba 5d ago

There are a few things I've seen from this guy that I would buy

74

u/wesgtp 5d ago

He would seriously make a killing if he could produce some of these cheaply. His stuff would be the go-to for gag gifts or just funny things we want to own ourselves.

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u/belowspot 5d ago

Or Valentines Day. A sad-sad Valentines Day.

115

u/summonsays 5d ago

O.o I know there's a pandemic but it's a little bit past V day my friend.

77

u/Maybe_worth 5d ago

It’s next Saturday in Brazil

134

u/PizzaurusRex 5d ago

As a Brazilian, June 12, I agree. Wife already talking about it.

Here we call it "boy/girlfriend day"... "Lovers' day" seems better.

I tell her "sheesh we're married, you're not my girlfriend anymore, quit it already".

(But I already have a gift hidden and made plans, I don't wanna get murdered.)

69

u/the_dude_upvotes 5d ago

I don't wanna get murdered

And yet you live in Brazil? /s

57

u/PizzaurusRex 5d ago

Maybe I do the murdering! Whaddya think bout that huh funny guy?

/S because mom might be reading this. Sorry mom! It is just a joke! i'll behave! No need to get the flip flop! Or tell my wife!

Send help. Better yet, send a ship or plane to get me out of Brazil

15

u/the_dude_upvotes 5d ago

Touché

Lucky for me I can make murderers laugh and escape the murdering

29

u/PizzaurusRex 5d ago

I like you. I'll murder you last.

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u/summonsays 5d ago

Oh nice! TIL. Thank you.

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13k

u/remotetissuepaper 5d ago

When you want to butter your cob, but want it to feel like a stranger is doing it

3k

u/Doctor_Nutsack 5d ago

I just sit on my hand for a bit

2k

u/action_lawyer_comics 5d ago

Ever hear of the Reverse Stranger? Same general concept, but you sit on your dick instead. Then it feels like you’re jerking a stranger off.

127

u/BunchOCrunch 5d ago

I wish my dick was big enough to sit on...

183

u/Embarrassed-Ad-1639 5d ago

Just get a stranger to sit on it. The “double reverse stranger” or “stranger danger”.

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u/sickleavegames 5d ago

If you sit on both, you can just watch and do the Voyeur instead!

139

u/Everyday4k 5d ago

paint your nails first and it looks like a girl is doing it

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u/Seeminus 5d ago

Look at this guy bragging a out being big enough to sit on his own junk.

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u/its-42 5d ago

Are the thumb and index finger adjustable for smaller…uh corn cobs?

29

u/snausagesinablanket 5d ago

use 2 sticks of butter

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u/chrisk9 5d ago

Just don't do it without the butter attachment - ouch

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u/DiligentTraining2 5d ago

Usually the stuff he makes is pretty corny but this looks legit

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17k

u/DoobyScrew 5d ago

Can you make one for umm smaller corn? Asking for a friend.

4k

u/tewnewt 5d ago

And how about a left one? Asking for an imaginary friend.

3k

u/djhatrick12 5d ago edited 5d ago

It’d feel like someone else is buttering your cob

Edit: grammar

520

u/din7 5d ago

A stranger.

252

u/fingerscrossedcoup 5d ago

You just sit on it till it goes numb

149

u/awkwardmystic 5d ago

Don’t think the cob would be very comfortable to sit on

107

u/boomsc 5d ago

97

u/orchibaldo 5d ago

Hold my corn, I'm going in!

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u/hzfan 5d ago

Hold my penis

anyone

pls

13

u/khiron 5d ago

Ok, now what?

29

u/hzfan 5d ago

Idk I never thought I’d get this far

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

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u/Stompedyourhousewith 5d ago

they don't call it the cornhole for nothing

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u/TheCarrot_v2 5d ago

TIL corn goes numb when you sit on it.

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u/DumbledoresGay69 5d ago

Never tried this. Does it work?

24

u/Iroc_ZL1 5d ago

The stranger? Not well. The problem is you lose dexterity when you lose feeling and it also only lasts seconds.

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u/Ruroni17 5d ago

That’s my purse, I DON’T KNOW YOU!!!

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u/mullingthingsover 5d ago

That boy ain’t right.

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u/DoobyScrew 5d ago

Just rotate it the reverse grip corn buttering can be very effective.

37

u/ThouReaper 5d ago

Ahh the good old western grip

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u/Alithis_ 5d ago

What you need is one for each hand, and two cobs on each side lined up tip-to-tip to increase efficiency

41

u/ccguy 5d ago

Call it Middle Out. Figure the cob-to-floor distance. Call it C2F.

29

u/Mosesmanofsteel01 5d ago

Do you know how long it would take you to butter every Cob in this room? Because I know how long it would take me.

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u/rightcoastguy UnnecessaryInventions 5d ago

Pics of your friends corn?

829

u/PM_Me_Your_Grain 5d ago

I've been trying to get people to send me their grain for years. Tough crowd.

195

u/Fear_Jeebus 5d ago

Five years.

Username checks out.

149

u/worst_user_name_ever 5d ago

This is why I reddit. Every so often you find yourself watching a corn on the cob get jacked off with butter while a 5 year user with the perfect user name finally hits the big grain.

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u/The___Jackal 5d ago

What do you know about perfect usernames?

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u/Futuristick-Reddit 5d ago

Has your life been building up to this comment

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u/_Forgotten 5d ago

Stop asking to see your friends corn and just go to cornhub like the rest of us.

13

u/feanturi 5d ago

"Why is there popcorn all over the livingroom floor? Billy! Have you been on CornHub again??"

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20

u/thelazycanoe 5d ago

So y'know baby corn? That's what we're talking

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u/rodman517 5d ago

…and one with the husk not cut off?

32

u/Gsteel11 5d ago

Cob Quickly: Unhuskercized

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u/Arglefarb 5d ago

If you build it, he will come…

52

u/Honda_Driver_2015 5d ago

again and again and again... maybe twice an hr

25

u/horseradishking 5d ago

But he'll probably just turn over and go to sleep.

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u/artlusulpen 5d ago

Can you also do one with bigger spikes?

139

u/Azsunyx 5d ago

S'rong W'chu

6

u/asnaylor 5d ago

Oh my god, I’ve just found my Vulcan name 😃

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u/rhet17 5d ago

You did see the metal prongs in the fake hand yes? That's a big risk.

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u/mpwrd 5d ago

Just don’t run out of butter.

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u/DriedUpSquid 5d ago

Pleasure spiked with pain.

35

u/mackass17 5d ago

Your corncob is my aeroplane

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u/ShavenYak42 5d ago

Or pleasure pained with spikes

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u/mumblesnorez 5d ago

Well you'd obviously still put the butter in there

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u/SteveBored 5d ago

Seems a weird thing to ask. I'd like one hand crafted to fit my penis though. What's his contact details?

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u/surajvj 5d ago

This is literally 'Porn on the cob'.

74

u/bluemitersaw 5d ago

CornHub for the corn enthusiast

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

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u/googolplexy 5d ago

Haha, you're literally right.

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u/Doctor_Nutsack 5d ago

Or one that looks like a foot instead of a hand? For… reasons

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1k

u/mscott8088 5d ago

Cool. Now my actual hands won't be all buttery after buttering my corn on the cob.

429

u/NoMaans 5d ago

D..do you hold the butter like this when you slather the cob?

457

u/xXtaradeeXx 5d ago

Do you not?

182

u/lorenzomofo 5d ago

It’s a borrowed reflex from my other hobby.

91

u/jagoble 5d ago

Applying wood stain to freshly turned baseball bats?

13

u/420CowboyTrashGoblin 5d ago

Naw, probably waxing his quarterstaff.

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u/Notentirely-accurate 5d ago

It's easier to stuff butter in your mouth and deep throat the cob.

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u/frietchinees69 5d ago

But you'd need another handy tool to not touch the butter when you put it in this jerker-offer thingy...

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u/Slugggo 5d ago

As Seen On CornHub

1k

u/DanishWonder 5d ago

or FarmersOnly.com

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u/DistantWeeb 5d ago edited 5d ago

Nah, its called OnlyFarmers.Com.

Edit: holy shit this is my most upvoted comment

107

u/PontentialJev 5d ago

What about XVegetables?

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u/banus 5d ago

Corn-stealing whores!

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u/beermoneymike 5d ago

As seen in HUSKER magazine

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u/jarediledundee 5d ago

That's how you get creamed corn

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u/AdamInChainz 5d ago

It will make his corn pop.

47

u/Freddit- 5d ago

Corn pop was a bad dude.

11

u/the_leprechauns_anus 5d ago

C'mon Jack, that's malarkey.

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6k

u/LegendOfBobbyTables 5d ago

This is maybe the first of your "useless" inventions I'd actually buy. Seeing people's reaction when I bust this thing out at the cookout would be worth a little money.

3k

u/ErikTheAngry 5d ago

Imagine jerking off a bunch of corn in front of the family. Never breaking eye contact.

1k

u/knightofterror 5d ago

This device is ideal for church picnics.

489

u/Sir_Loin_Cloth 5d ago

Please give them to the priests.

722

u/thaeyo 5d ago

They have enough practice with baby corn.

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u/stupidbeagle 5d ago

"Hey Father... want your corn buttered?"

Priest: * look away meme *

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u/die-jarjar-die 5d ago

Reminds me of this classic skit

https://youtu.be/BkgMbU-we1o

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u/InsideVoid 5d ago

I forgot about this video. Damnit now I have to go to watch all their stuff again.

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u/Ibuyrealjaysaswell 5d ago

you actually made me grin and exhale thru my nose and today has been a shit day so thanks man!

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u/Sharcbait 5d ago

Ohhn yeah baby get all the crevices!

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u/PublicfreakoutLoveR 5d ago

"I'M GONNA NEED SOME MORE BUTTER OVER HERE, MA"

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

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u/Plantdas 5d ago

Agreed, my family would love this and I want one.

18

u/captaincrunch00 5d ago

I want to send one to my entire family.

Anonymously of course.

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u/PathologicalLoiterer 5d ago

Spencer's will be selling them within the month.

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u/Ocronus 5d ago

Idea stolen from this dude while keeping all the profit.

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u/jterp213 5d ago

Please sell this so I can buy it as a gag gift

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u/Astan92 5d ago

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u/losingstreak838 5d ago

$1000 for a gag gift

148

u/pizzafourlife 5d ago

I want the 12 membership card. mostly for how annoyed my wife will be looking for important things in my wallet lol

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u/Duosion 5d ago

The design is pretty slick too

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u/IJustMadeThisForYou 5d ago

I actually had one just like it. The holes were actually a weed grinder. Was pretty cool.

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u/iushciuweiush 5d ago

If you're going to be a cheapskate then I guess you'll have to wait for it to land in the store: https://shop.unnecessaryinventions.com/collections/inventions

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u/NightKing48 5d ago

Might be a bit overpriced for that tho...

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u/about90frogs 5d ago

That price says “I don’t want to make another one, but if you REALLY want it, I will.”

60

u/laralye 5d ago edited 5d ago

Yeah plus a lot of companies send him cease and desists as if he's going to sell these products, so he can legally do commissions if someone asks since it'd technically be set art* and not a product lol.

18

u/WillWorkForBongWater 5d ago

Who's sending him the cease and desist order on this one? Adam. Adam from The Garden of Eden. There was some time there before Eve.

14

u/IamAWorldChampionAMA 5d ago

I think crocs did

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u/Philosofox 5d ago

Who hasn't spent money on something stupid? At least this goes directly to the creator's buttery pockets.

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u/PublicfreakoutLoveR 5d ago

Your friends will think you're a jackoff.

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u/petSnake7 5d ago

One hell of a wanker

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u/stillalivecooliguess 5d ago

Masturbation jokes aside, this is by no means an unnecessary product. A well buttered COTC is a bbq necessity 11/10

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u/JacobiousPrime 5d ago

This is cornography, where's the nsfw tag?

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u/RTSUPH 5d ago

Does it vibrate to get that butter in those crevices?

117

u/odin_the_wiggler 5d ago

Put it on the end of a shake weight while you ride your Asspounder 4000.

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u/paranoidandroid11 5d ago

It's not a dick, it's a fist.

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u/Midwest_Dad85 5d ago

In its lifetime, this product will butter exactly zero cobs of corn…

489

u/Snarfsicle 5d ago

Spiked for your pleasure.

244

u/din7 5d ago

I'm so corny right now...

34

u/fnd84 5d ago

Rita corny Michael!

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u/braintrustinc 5d ago

Amaizing the amount of puns on this husk of a website these days

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u/SmartestCatHooman 5d ago

Already buttered one in the video!

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u/Shaneblaster 5d ago

What are you talking about? That’s how I butter my “corn”

9

u/CONaderCHASER 5d ago

It’s already buttered one

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u/Affectionate-Boot-96 5d ago

This is not unnecessary. If you have too many friends and people think you're allright, whip out this thing

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u/ladyoffate13 5d ago

That’s right, whip it out and start rubbing away!

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u/JangoDarkSaber 5d ago

How to get the in laws to leave early

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u/cheeseburger720 5d ago

Do the Croc gloves fit on it?

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u/Neon_Carnivore 5d ago

Asking the important questions.

527

u/Much_Beautiful_7156 5d ago

wow nice dude. nothing like a good old hand cob.

75

u/Nasty2017 5d ago

Hand cobs are amaizing.

37

u/phalewail 5d ago

I didn't expect to see hardcore corn on here.

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u/Thadd305 5d ago

Think you’re onto something with this one

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u/53withtrollhair 5d ago

I don't want to speak for anyone else, but in my honest opinion- Never Change.

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u/hankinArlen 5d ago

so this is what Aaron Rodgers is doing these days

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u/Fezthegreat 5d ago

offseason must be tough

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u/Pisto1Peet 5d ago

This is the real reason why he wants out of Green Bay. He wants to pursue hiss entrepreneurial career.

6

u/deviouspineapple 5d ago

Thats why he hasn't been to practice dontcha know

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u/FamousSunday 5d ago

Seriously... why didn't you go with the CobJob. Either way, hilarious.

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u/Overpaid_pharmacist 5d ago

You need to patent little cups to go into the butter groove and cash in on the refills like Keurig. Start with some butter refills for it, then partner with KY to start making some KY-cups that have different lubes

16

u/degjo 5d ago

Different flavors for your corn, right?

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u/brothers1201 5d ago

Hands down, wait Hands up, nope Hands down...oh fuck it best invention ever!

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u/HellsNels 5d ago

HandCobbTM

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u/moosedownjacket 5d ago

This might be your best one yet! 😂

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u/lynivvinyl 5d ago

I gotta give you a hand this is your best job yet.

18

u/relddir123 5d ago

Time to add “buttering the corn” to the list of euphemisms

17

u/Couchmaster007 5d ago

Never realized how phallic corn is

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u/Dasbythebay 5d ago

Leaves a sticky residue, just like the real thing

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u/MacGyverMacGuffin 5d ago

You've made a mistake. This product may actually be necessary, or at least legitimately useful.

In fact, I'm getting excited thinking about it right now.

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u/Beefer_Jones 5d ago

thought this was Aaron Rodgers jerking off corn at first

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u/frivelousendeavors 5d ago

why is aaron rogers doing this with his free time?

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u/oneplusetoipi 5d ago

Strongly recommending to not run out of butter

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u/urboismeme 5d ago

I knew exactly what this comment section was gonna be

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u/CarCaste 5d ago

I want to buy it as a wedding gift

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u/mollymoon88 5d ago

An “old fashioned” way of butterin’ yer cob

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u/diamondsam2 5d ago

Idk what it is, but im getting weird vibes from this

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u/johnmarkfoley 5d ago

if you want to make it extra unnecessary, but a slice of buttered bread in the hand.

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u/I_Like_Quiet 5d ago

Only way to butter corn is the war games way.

https://youtu.be/btZi6EiIXbY

(Of course you it needs to be cooked.)

If you are doing it on a larger scale, get a crock pot full of butter and just dip it in.

41

u/dupek1986 5d ago

100% he tested it on his dick.

20

u/LeadingNectarine 5d ago

I've never heard of that variety of corn.

39

u/portablebiscuit 5d ago

If OP has the girth of a corn cob I'm:

  1. Impressed
  2. Intrigued
  3. Intimidated
  4. Envious
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u/Finest_Johnson 5d ago

Porn on the Cob.