r/TwoXChromosomes Jun 12 '21

A friend of a friend put his hand around my throat last night Support r/all

UPDATE: I went to the police, they said they'd arrest him and then 2 days later they decided to drop the case. So that was fucking useless

EDIT: Didn't realise this would blow up. I'm back home now and wanted to thank those who were nice. But I want to address the awful comments trying to guilt me into going to the police:

FIRSTLY HES NOT MY FRIEND. HE LIVES WITH MY FRIEND. And you don't have to be someone's best mate to live with them.

SECONDLY if I report this I am putting myself in immediate danger. A lot of times things like this won't get charged. Won't end in him being put away. Instead he will immediately know that I reported him and I am then put in danger. Y'all talking about him killing someone in the future, I immediately line myself up for that because he knows I'm the one who ruined his life - or tried to. So what do I do? Sacrifice myself because no one has stood up to him before me? Or protect myself from someone who clearly is capable of doing me harm. Which would you like me to do?


BACK TO THE ORIGINAL POST:

I'm getting checked out at A&E right now but I'm still in shock. He had been drinking and was looking for his phone and thought I had it. He walked straight up to me and put his hand around my throat and held me down on the sofa.

I dug my nails into his hand and he only let go when my nails went for his face.

Apparently he's done this to friends before as well as female friends and girlfriends. But this is the first time he's done it to someone that's not his friend.

When he let go he made a comment that when having sex with women, he's used to their nails digging into him

I was sitting next to my close mate (it was only the three of us) and he froze. We left the room and then the guy kicked me out of the house. My friend left with me. And afterwards when we were talking about it, he said the friend had done it to him before but only in a joking way and lightly.

My friend is 100% on my side and he is super supportive. But I keep thinking how his friend group and society has enabled this guy to get away with his behaviour until he moved it to the next level.

I don't know why I'm making this post.

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u/emnii a bad person Jun 12 '21

Hi all. This post is flaired for "support", which means we expect comments to be supportive of OP.

Berating her to report when she doesn't feel safe doing so is going to get you banned. She's a victim. She is not responsible for the actions of her attacker, or the future actions he may take.

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u/The_Bravinator Jun 12 '21

My friend is 100% on my side and he is super supportive. But I keep thinking how his friend group and society has enabled this guy to get away with his behaviour until he moved it to the next level.

Absolutely. And I sincerely hope they (along with anyone reading this who may be in their situation, watching a friend pushing boundaries and making excuses for them) do some serious reflecting on that .

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you're doing okay.

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u/Unhelpfulhelpful Jun 12 '21

He's a typical low intelligent, pub going, builder man's man, and player (not saying builders are unintelligent but we all know about building talk). I already had very bad vibes and was wary of him. So you can imagine what he's like and how common it is for people like him to exist.

I'm too scared to do anything because I don't want to go through not being believed. Although as stupid and horrible as it is, this time I have a man as a witness. So maybe I'd be believed.

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u/AdjustingMyBalance Jun 12 '21

Please report him. So many attacks and assaults don’t go reported for people fearing they won’t be ‘believed’ but even just reporting it makes a difference. And definitely tell them about there being witnesses and give names. Please, before this guy genuinely kills someone. I hope you’re okay OP, seriously.

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u/Hardlythereeclair Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

Why the quotation marks? Women have always had their experiences of abuse questioned and disbelieved and by the very people who are supposedly there to help protect them. This article is from 2014 and shit still hasn't changed, I don't blame any woman for not trusting to be believed by the police. Edit: miscopied link address https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/endemic-police-failure-take-domestic-violence-seriously-putting-women-s-lives-risk-says-report-9217401.html

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u/angelfieryrain Jun 12 '21

Without a doubt, victims do get blames way too much. "Where you drinking?" "What were you wearing" "What did you do" " What did you say" " Are you sure"

Support and witnesses are sooo important.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '21

Without a group of people to confirm our words, preferably white men, our testimony or statements seem to be treated as too hysterical and emotional to be reliable.

To anyone that questions why a victim is upset when reporting, or questions the reliability of their account since they’re upset and emotional … We react to the trauma that others choose to inflict on us. We do not choose to react a certain way. We did not choose to not fight back in a way that a judge or officer considers sufficient proof of assault. We did not choose to report months or years after our trauma. How can anyone sit and defend the attacker while questioning the motives of the victim when we never had the chance to decide for ourselves?

To refuse to accommodate a victim within reason because they don’t have enough proof is bullshit. We don’t ask for our attacker to be immediately thrown in jail. But we do ask that the systems in place act to protect us and ensure our wellbeing. You can protect a victim without punishing the attacker if our word isn’t enough.

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u/Unhelpfulhelpful Jun 12 '21

I've gone through a similar process before but with no witness and it was tiring and just made things worse. I don't want to go through having people tell me I'm a liar to my face

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '21

Could you ask the friend who witnessed the attack to report it to the police? They'll have to follow up with you of course, but at least he could get the ball rolling.

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u/zombie_snuffleupagus Jun 12 '21

Please don't hound a victim to report when she's clearly not ready to.

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u/KratomRobot Jun 12 '21

That's why the person asked if she was willing to ask her friend the witness to report it.

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u/m0ddem Jun 12 '21

Any report would involve her. That's just a longer process.

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u/dubaichild Jun 12 '21

You have a witness this time

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u/Yosoy666 Jun 12 '21

A witness who hasn't done anything about this when it has happened before

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u/Moldy_slug Jun 12 '21

That’s very different circumstances. He says when it was done to to him, it was light and joking. Presumably he didn’t feel threatened by it and was not injured, just thought it was kind of weird. That’s very different than seeing the guy pin someone down by the throat even while the victim is literally fighting tooth and nail to escape.

Plus, people very often are too nervous, conflicted, shamed, etc to report someone assaulting them.... even if they would be 100% supportive of another person reporting the same experience.

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u/zombie_snuffleupagus Jun 12 '21

Please don't hound a victim to report when she's clearly not ready to.

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u/tepidCourage Jun 12 '21

The person he did this to before you likely thought the same thing. Now you've been attacked.

He will keep doing it until someone(or enough someones) speaks up. I know you've been deeply affected, but I think what you went through and what the next person might go through is 100%worse than some yahoos telling you you're lying.

If it bothers you that much try asking your friend who has your back to make a report first(because if he has your back telling the police what happened should be a non-issue, surprisinghe didn't call the cops on him when it happened)

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u/Delirious5 Jun 12 '21

I posted this upthread. You need to understand:

It seems like she's British. And there's been a huge fight between women and the police there after a policeman murdered a woman walking home. Know what the British police did instead of cleaning their own house? Told women not to go out at night. And when women lost their shit over it and protested? The police beat the shit out of women.

So... she's supposed to go ok, let me go to the police that have never cared in the past and are gleefully bashing our heads in on the streets and tell them... a guy assaulted her?

Tw: sa

I made the same decision a few weeks back when I was physically held down and raped a few weeks ago on a date. And my city's police force has recently had multiple cops charged with raping women, including sex assault victims who had called them for help. So... I'm supposed to risk the same fate for something they will likely dismiss as he said she said? When I've called them multiple times before for various issues and they did nothing? Wtf are we supposed to gain here?

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u/iamcaptaintrips Jun 12 '21

Yup. I’m British too, the police are an absolute fucking joke here. I talked my way out of a kidnapping and the police didn’t like that I managed to use my ‘feminine wiles’ against my rapist. I asked him what his plan was, then I pointed out the flaws in it and planned my escape. They hated that I did that, it was almost like they thought that because I was nice to him that I wasn’t a real victim.

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u/FMAB-EarthBender Basically April Ludgate Jun 12 '21

Thats insanely fucked up, im so sorry that happened to you. I'm literally sick thinking that they wouldn't believe you are still a victim because you did something brave like that. I'm so glad you are safe even if you are a stranger, to continue to tell your story. <3

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '21

I’m so sorry that you went through so much to be ignored by the people we trust to protect us. You are so much stronger than they gave you credit for and I’m so proud that you were brave and capable and confident enough to save your own life.

Until we suffer a tragic fate, alive or dead, we aren’t a “real” victim. If the news won’t cover our story, the lack of response by police won’t bother anyone with the power to change system. If they aren’t losing funding over an issue, they aren’t losing any sleep.

Some people do care. But the ones that do don’t have the power needed to change.

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u/Aziaboy b u t t s Jun 12 '21

Im sorry to hear it happen to you, but whats going on in UK? Seems like sexual assault cases are going tbrough the roof

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u/Delirious5 Jun 12 '21

I'm in the US (Denver). Usually I'm fine, but in the last couple months I've been SA'd on a first date, stalked for five miles on the road by an old white man from South Dakota who was really angry that I was wearing a mask in my car while I drove for uber, and yesterday my usually sweet male roommate started driving aggressively,, slamming car doors and screaming after being cut off in traffic. We're coming out of lockdown and people are nuts.

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u/Idrahaje Jun 12 '21

Please don’t try to guilt a victim into reporting when they aren’t ready

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u/Galinda20018 Jun 12 '21

Run and don't look back. Your friend should have yeeted him across the room

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u/lizzayyyy96 Jun 12 '21

It is your choice to report him or not. I’ve been raped and physically abused a few times, and I haven’t reported it, because I didn’t want to go through the trauma of not being believed. Brush off the people trying to guilt you. It is your body and your choice alone.

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u/MadamnedMary Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

I understand you don't wanna report for previous experience, and it's ok to take your time, ask your friend to write the incident he witnessed while still fresh in his mind and you should too, keep it if in the future you decide to take action, also ask the ER staff if there's any physical evidence of your injury if you have one and write it in your file. If in the upcoming days you develop marks around your neck take pictures of them, keep everything in a safe place.

Maybe someday you'll get justice, maybe your experience will help if someone else decide to take action against him in the future and give you the strength you need to also report him.

I don't know what country you are but I know how shitty police can be in most places and understand your hesitation to call them, some people asking you to report him and think of future victims are right, but you have to look for your safety first, it's discouraging when you do your part to report but the institution in the charge to seek justice and lock up dangerous individuals don't do their part or make it worst for the victims that came forward.

Focus on healing from this ordeal. Good luck moving forward.

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u/Unhelpfulhelpful Jun 12 '21

Just did that, thankyou! He is writing down that there are a few bruises on my neck

And I'm getting a letter for my GP stating that

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u/KayleighAnn Jun 12 '21

Proud of you, I know it takes a lot of strength, especially after reading your other comments. Even if the police do nothing for you, a paper trail has been started and hopefully someday it will protect someone else.

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u/Inlieuof456 Jun 12 '21

Excellent! I couldn't report, at first, either. However, I documented everything. It came in handy.

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u/chickenfightyourmom Jun 12 '21

Glad you're healing. It's actually a lot easier to press assault charges on someone who is NOT your romantic partner. (In case you were on the fence about that.) The hospital can take photos of your injuries as proof. You could also apply for a protection order from this man. That way, it's illegal for him to come to your home, work, and if he runs into you in a shop or on the street, he needs to leave.

Whatever you decide to do or not do will be ok. I hope you heal well and have a lot of friend support.

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u/redline314 Jun 12 '21

The thing about restraining order is that they have to tell the person being restrained where they are not allowed to go and who exactly they are not allowed to be around- so it results in the courts potentially giving away your home address, work address, and full legal name, which is often much riskier.

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u/CanisLatrans204 Jun 12 '21

Excellent advice. The marks can take a couple of days to really show up and change due to bruising. Keep taking pictures daily/12 hours to document.

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u/Karzaad Jun 12 '21

"I don't know why I'm making this post." - you are processing trauma, this is healthy.

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u/ThatHairyGingerGuy Jun 12 '21

They are also helping all of us understand the world a little better. I know this sort of thing makes me think about how I'd react if I witnessed this. It also makes me even more likely to vote for parties that take meaningful action to better educate men and protect women etc.

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u/Karzaad Jun 12 '21

Normalizing trauma is a good thing, bad things happen, how we cope is largely due to previous exposure to other bad things.

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u/Imaginary_Mouse_3384 Jun 12 '21

And sadly, makes me think about if this ever happens to me, I would have to be careful about reporting the incident. It's just too sad too think about. Women get hurt and want just justice, but we unfortunately have to think about reporting, because it may ultimately do nothing or hurt us in the end.

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u/Molittle69 Jun 12 '21

Hi OP, this has happened to me before as well. I was at a bar with a group of friends and we were standing in a circle talking outside (restaurant patio) when a relatively new friend, in front of the whole group and while I was talking, put his hand around my throat and started choking me. I was completely thrown off, and when I was looking at this guy, he seemed completely absent in his eyes. It wasn’t until I tried grabbing his arm that he let go. The group pretty much just watched and did nothing. I confronted him about it after everything set in and realized what happened. The next morning he showed up at my apartment with his girlfriend to take me to breakfast as an apology. Safe to say we’re absolutely not friends anymore and was truly terrifying. Definitely not a person I can trust or feel safe around. In hindsight, I wish I would have done more by reporting it to the police… to this day it scars me. I hope you’re okay.

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u/egeswender Jun 12 '21

That's what a murderer does before his first murder.

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u/deirdresm Jun 12 '21

Kind of an assumption it’s his first. What if it’s not?

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u/GothSailorJewpiter Jun 12 '21

You're doing a great job processing trauma and taking care of yourself. Has anyone told you yet? You deserve to hear this.

Please do the right thing for yourself. If you can, yes, come forward, but I know it's easier to say that than to be the one to face all the repercussions for doing so. If you can, please cut ties with anyone who enables that monster. You don't deserve to ever be at risk. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Continue to take care of yourself and prioritize your needs.

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u/daughterofnarcs Jun 12 '21

Whether you decide to contact the police or not, stay the hell away from the psycho in the future. He's a volcano waiting to erupt

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u/Spread_Liberally Jun 12 '21

OP should also stay far away from the useless people enablers that remain in his social circle.

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u/TildaUK Jun 12 '21

Why are any of his friends, friends with him? Tbh it might be time to rethink a lot of them.

I'm sorry this happened and please prosecute if it is safe to do so. Feels rather like this guy will end up murdering someone.

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u/AshEliseB Jun 12 '21

Cause, you know, apart from the small issue of the strangling, he's such a good guy.

/s

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u/xixbia Jun 12 '21

Yup, that's usually the defence.

Of course it's highly likely that people that are willing to overlook someone strangling people are also overlooking an entire mountain of other issues making this person toxic and dangerous.

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u/JadedOccultist Jun 12 '21

But he was just about to go to uni with a scholarship for sports 😭 /s

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u/pay_student_loan Jun 12 '21

I don't know how some people can be so dumb, but I get reminded every day I turn on the news

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u/LicoriceSucks Jun 12 '21

Because he hasn’t literally killed anyone YET.

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u/ClarificationJane Jun 12 '21

That they know of.

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u/Unusual-Pay-263 Jun 12 '21

This, rethink your social circle. People not dropping him because of this are bad contacts. You deserve better people. He threatened you badly. I hope you are okay.

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u/squirtzmcintoshh Jun 12 '21

I cannot believe that this comment isn’t closer to the top. Her friend was SITTING NEXT TO OP AS SHE WAS GETTING STRANGLED. OP, these people are all absolute trash. Please be careful. Those who turn a blind eye will never have your back.

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u/IHaveNoEgrets Jun 12 '21

From the sound of it, he totally froze. If the friend has had a prior experience with this guy putting hands on him too, it's not unreasonable that he'd lock up instead of going into "I'll save you!" mode. He might be lightly joking about it, but I'm guessing it may have really rattled him.

I wouldn't necessarily judge him too harshly.

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u/janet_colgate Jun 12 '21

Thank you for that. And I don’t buy that he was just too much in shock to do anything. That’s just making the same kind of shitty excuses that others have made for this Boston Strangler guy. And how it got to this point.

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u/squirtzmcintoshh Jun 12 '21

OP said that this person’s friends are aware of the fact that he does this on the regular. Men make allowances for shittier men so they themselves look better.

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u/misringuette Jun 12 '21

Choking is one of the strongest indicators that a domestic abuser is ready to move on to murder. The fact he's choking strangers is incredibly frightening. You have to report this before he kills.

Edit to add- please take your health super seriously. Strangulation can have a long term impact that isn't immediately apparent. Be safe and go to hospital!

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u/reflective_marbles Jun 12 '21

I read recently that some victims of domestic abuse can die later on from brain bleeds and heart attacks so they don't end up recording their deaths as DV but they see a correlation

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u/Inlieuof456 Jun 12 '21

Oh, bloody hell...really? 😩

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u/aikiakane Jun 12 '21

She did. A&E is the equivalent of the ER here in the states.

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u/PhesteringSoars Jun 12 '21

Accident & Emergency . . . had to Google it. Learn something new every day.

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u/janet_colgate Jun 12 '21

Yes me too. My brain kept reading “Arts & Entertainment” and I thought “well that won’t be any help at all...”

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u/High_Priestess_Orb Jun 12 '21

Yeah, like someone who can’t remember the difference between “antidote” & “anecdote”, so when his friend gets a snake bite, he tells a funny story.

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u/Inlieuof456 Jun 12 '21

Yep. The ex always went for the throat.

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u/sesame_says Jun 12 '21

Mine too. Every fight for 9 years, he'd go for my throat. Until one day, I had someone there with me. This guy was my best friend, he was funny, charming, good looking, and gay. Yet my ex was so jealous of my friendship with him that every time we hung out with my friend, my ex would start a fight as soon as we got home. One day my friend came with me in my house and as soon as I walked in my ex asked me to come look at something in the kitchen. He grabbed my throat and started choking me as soon as I walked in the kitchen. Something snapped in me that day, idk if I was because I knew I had someone there who would have my back or what but I lost it. I nearly broke his fingers getting them off my neck and I punched him. Hit him right in the jaw and my ex dropped like a sack of bricks.

We spilt up after that, he never touched me again or even tried to argue with me. We have a son together and he tries to be a good dad, but my son remembers the fights. He remembers his dad pushing me through his bedroom door telling me to take my kid and leave. At 18 now, he doesn't have much to do with his dad but my son is very protective. He watches out for me, his sister, and anyone else he thinks may be perceived as weaker. He hates bullies and is the sweetest kid I've ever met. I am thankful everyday I came to my senses enough to get my son away from that toxic asshole that is his father.

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u/Inlieuof456 Jun 12 '21

You did the right thing. I am SO very sorry that you and your son had to go through that nightmare. However, it sounds as though your son is a wonderful man! To quote my grandmother, "You done good!!!"

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u/21stcenturyschizoidf Basically Liz Lemon Jun 12 '21

My thoughts as well.

I left my abusive partner after he strangled me to the point of almost blacking out. I am so thankful people spread this fact because it helped me.

OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would strongly recommend a counsellor, even if it’s one of those free/cheap phone appointments. It is a traumatic event and they can help you process it. ❤️

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u/notagangsta Jun 12 '21

So much this. Please file charges against this person. He will end up killing someone, especially if he gets in a relationship and behaves like this towards her.

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u/pokemonlettuce Jun 12 '21

GET OUT OF THAT FRIEND GROUP. If you feel comfortable enough report it to the police. Your not the first or last he’s going to do this to. If someone else where to reports it he already has past accusations, could probably save a life

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u/meese_geese Jun 12 '21

This x1000. I would immediately - and permanently - cut ties with anyone who remained in this person's circle.

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u/Rickdiculously Jun 12 '21

Everyone has already said such great things, I have very little to add, but I wanna say one thing : I agree about pressing charges. It'd be dangerous for you. Don't. BUT!! Look up if your country has this thing we French people call a "main courante" - we can visit the police station and make an official report without bringing charges. It's basically a way of putting dates to an event and a name. This stays in the system, so that if things escalate in any ways and someone comes to report that guy, there is a precedent that pops up.

It might not be done where you are, but it's common in France. I would be skittish about doing anything at all if the local cops are scummy and it's a very small town, but if this is big city stuff, I say it wouldn't hurt to do so, if it would help. And it could help even you. Let's say he harasses you again in any way shape or form, if you go to the police and there's this old report already, it'll be establishing an official pattern, and make obtaining a restraining order easier, or solidify any potential case.

If you don't want that though, it's fine. You don't owe the world to put your neck out if you feel like it'll increase the danger. At the very least tell your family and most trusted people, so they can support you.

Sending you allll the best vibes and hugs from across the globe. I hope this nasty experience is a one off and quickly fades into a bad memory. :-<

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u/balletrat Jun 12 '21

Wow, I’m so sorry that happened to you - how terrifying!

I don’t mean to be alarmist but there have been studies showing that in domestic violence situation, strangling is one of the biggest predictors of increased violence and murder. This is super super serious!

I know it’s easy for internet strangers to sit here and say “report” and another thing entirely to actually go through it, but I do strongly encourage you to consider it. This man is going to kill someone one day.

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u/ElectricSpeculum Jun 12 '21

Yup, strangulation is a massive red flag. The fact he felt that was an appropriate reaction rather than asking for his phone, like a normal person, screams that he's dangerous.

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u/AnyZombie9 Jun 12 '21

And the fact that he did it around other people knowing there would be witnesses is extremely brazen. This dude sounds like a psychopath. I really wouldnt be surprised if he isn't already rethinking his actions right about now..he might even try to get in contact with the people that were there and pull some big "Oh, please forgive me! I was drunk and thought she took my phone and blah blah blah...don't know what I was thinking"routine. Not trying to tell you what to do, but I would definitely report it. At the very least, you want to have this on file for future use in case he escalates.. Please stay safe and know there are people here that have your back..if not physically, at least mentally🙏

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u/reflective_marbles Jun 12 '21

Came here to say this too, this is scary shit. Esp that he's acting out in front of others and not hiding it, over reacting on something trivial, esp because he just went straight to paranoia that you must've taken it, indicates a really unhinged character IMO

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u/lizzayyyy96 Jun 12 '21

Can we please stop pressuring her to report? She’s clearly not ready. She just went through a traumatic experience and so many people here are trying to guilt her to report. It is HER body and HER choice. She is processing this the best she can. And if she doesn’t report it and he does end up killing someone, it is not her fault. It’s his. I’ve been through situations like hers, and I made the decision to not report, and I stand by my decisions.

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u/tinawadabb Jun 12 '21

This was happening to a friend of mine and they shoved their thumbs into the attacker’s eye sockets. Was very effective. Halted the attack immediately. Did no permanent damage. Attacker went to jail.

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u/Demderdemden Jun 12 '21

Yeah definitely get the medical evidence and the police involved. Don't let him get away with it, this will lead to someone dying one day.

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u/Sigg3net Jun 12 '21

You're a victim of assault, attempted murder even, so don't feel weird about however you feel :)

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u/kimmehh Jun 12 '21

Whoa, this brought back a memory id completely forgot about. I was out drinking with a friend once, we were just talking and all of a sudden he put his hands around my neck and started to strangle me. His brother stopped him and I was completely fine, don’t even think I had a bruise or anything. I ended the friendship for many reasons but completely forgot about that until reading your post! This was probably 10-12 years ago.

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u/Unhelpfulhelpful Jun 12 '21

That's fucked!

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u/hannahrb369 Jun 12 '21

WHAT. THE. FUCK. Hope you are alright. Physically and emotionally.

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u/Unhelpfulhelpful Jun 12 '21

Getting there. Only lightly bruised ❤️❤️

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u/alligator_did_it Jun 12 '21

Hey, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope your neck is ok and you’re taking care of yourself. You said you have previous trauma. Please take time to self care, however/whatever (healthy) ways that looks for you. As to reporting him, that is your choice. You are not responsible for that asshat’s actions. You are allowed to look out for your own mental health. Sometimes people think that it’s easiest to go ahead and press charges but they might not know how hard it is to go through that system. Pease take care of yourself and do what you think is best. Best wishes.

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u/Astro_Lord Jun 12 '21

I hate to tell you this, but your friends suck

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u/Deelala0516 Jun 12 '21

I feel this edit. Easy to say press charges when you're not the one that has to deal with the fallout.

I hope you never have to be around this person again.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '21

Yea that person has definitely been enabled and they are fucking dangerous. I’m glad you got away and I hope you will decline hanging out with these people ever again. This is an important safety issue and they might try to gaslight you. What happens when you become the witness to the behavior and someone is hurt? You can’t count on these people to protect one another.

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u/bountyman347 Jun 12 '21

He’s going to do this to someone and they’re going to go bang bang and the world will be no more for him

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u/evilution382 Jun 12 '21

How is a guy like this still invited to things?

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u/puss_parkerswidow Jun 12 '21

Sounds like they were at his house, but, I would imagine that people around him minimize and normalize a lot of his behavior. There's people out there calling him a good guy and making excuses for his shitty behaviors. Later, some of them will say they were not surprised to hear he murdered someone.

Also, there's so much choking in porn. Many women tell stories of partners not even asking them beforehand and reaching out to put hands around their neck during sex.

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u/Festernd Jun 12 '21

google the term 'missing stairs'

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u/dinosaur-dan Jun 12 '21

That is absolutely terrifying and I am so glad you are okay.

I've noticed there's a weird trend among people to excuse extremely shitty behaviour among people they're friends with. I know for a fact that I've done it, and based on that experience I can say that most likely he's a manipulative peace of shit. He thinks the behaviour is okay or "just a mistake" or some shit like that, and he's convinced his man friends that it's okay or isn't a problem and the women he's hurt have then been gaslit or manipulated into letting it go or ignoring it.

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u/m_stewart_baxter Jun 12 '21

Make sure you are safe before anything else. Make all of your social media private so this fucker and his mates can’t harass you. Make sure your “friend” does not give any personal info to him. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your GP should also have some advice about counselling if you need it. If not, call citizens advice! They got me free CBT counselling after a rough time in my life. You might go through a lot of emotions in the next few weeks, find some things to do to look after yourself. Walks, movies, ice cream. What this person did was inexcusable. No one ever has any right to put hands on you and even more so leave bruises. Lots of love to you, OP.

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u/brickyardjimmy Jun 12 '21

You're making this post because a full grown man decided it was ok to threaten to choke you by putting his hand around your throat.

This is no joke. It's the act of a misogynistic psychopath eager to let everyone around him know that he's willing to hurt people capriciously.

You're making this post because another person sat by and watched this happen without doing anything about it. I suspect you are shocked and confused as I would be had I been in your shoes.

So let me validate you from my perspective:

  1. This man is a violent creep. What he did was wrong, bordering on illegal. No one has the right to put their hands on you without your express permission.
  2. Anyone who stood by and watched is partially responsible for this creep's behavior.
  3. You did noting wrong. You did not mis-interpret what was a threat of violence. I'm glad you left.

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u/TheBreathofFiveSouls Jun 12 '21

Bordering? Its bloody well skipped right over that fence.

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u/JadedOccultist Jun 12 '21

Yeah that’s assault.

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u/0Megabyte Jun 12 '21

Threaten? No. He didnt threaten to choke her, he did choke her. There are bruises on her neck.

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u/Unhelpfulhelpful Jun 12 '21

I half think he did it to show my friend that he could take me away from him/could claim me as his. He had been weirdly nice to me and complimenting me that day. And he has a history of being a player. He also knows I'm a feminist and used to tease me about it when I came round until I asked my friend to ask him to stop. I reckon it was 100% misogyny driven to gain back control or to asset control. Which is fucked.

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u/livinginfutureworld Jun 12 '21

Serial killers often start this way I believe. With people that put their hands around people's necks, after they murder people, if you go back and look in hindsight this type of out of the blue hands around the neck was a warning sign.

Not saying this is 100% always the case but I'm pretty sure I've seen this mentioned on like crime documentaries. Another huge red flag would be torture/killing animals.

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u/ImALittleTeapotCat Jun 12 '21

You need to never go back to that apartment/flat/house/whatever it's called. NEVER. And your friend should move, but that isn't your call. You can only control your behavior, which means that you need to avoid that guy. For your safety.

As for the whether or not to report - I get it. You do not have an obligation to put yourself in danger. If there is a way that you can report him that will not be a risk to you, then do it. Otherwise, just stay far, far away from him.

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u/snappykiki Jun 12 '21

I have nothing to add other than thank you for validating my choice to distance myself from a friend who did this to me and other girls I know “jokingly” on nights out. I had no idea this was as serious as it is (as some are saying here), I just had a bad feeling about him asserting his physical power over me. Makes me feel sad that women can literally be choked out on the street and we’ll still feel bad for cutting the guy out until we read comments online saying that this kind of behavior is an indicator of a murderer in the making lol.

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u/bleuscreenofdeath =^..^= Jun 12 '21

Your friend needs to get out of that living arrangement if his roommate has already laid hands on him.

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u/deedee25252 Jun 12 '21

That dude needs a kick in the balls. I hope you get him arrested for assault. For Christ sake who the fuck thinks putting your hands around someone else's throat is the way to talk to people. What a jack ass.

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u/AffectionateAnarchy Jun 12 '21

His problem is that he has never been stabbed before as a direct result of his choking. A guy at work got handsy with me while I was holding an xacto and I stabbed him. He aint do that shit again. Im real sorry that happened to you.

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u/Woogster25 Jun 12 '21

I would leave that friends group. Terrible normalization of violence

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u/bringer108 Jun 12 '21

It may seem like nothing, but sharing stories like this is very important.

It helps paint a picture of our reality and shows others the potential dangers of doing nothing when bad people do bad things.

Everyone else reading this is thinking the same thing. “Why isn’t this guy in jail?” Plain and simple that’s assault and look how easy it was to have happen, and for someone else to freeze in fear and let it happen to you. Every person like him that gets away with this, is one more evil in the world that we’re doing nothing about.

If your story helps prevent even one more incident like this out there, it was worth posting.

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u/LaDivina77 Jun 12 '21

The missing stair metaphor was invented for people like this. This guy is practicing. I'm glad you're not hurt any worse.

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u/manykeets Jun 12 '21

I’m so sorry this happened to you. And forget all the people pressuring you to report it. It’s not your responsibility to stop this guy from committing future crimes. You’ve got to protect yourself, first and foremost. He alone is guilty and responsible for anything else he might do. Please be safe and do what feels right for you.

It really bothers me that your male friends let this happen and no one came to your aid. I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m contributing to what some people find to be a toxic expectation that men should protect women - gender roles and all that. But this would never happen in my friend group because if a man tried to assault a woman, the other guys would beat the sh*t out of him.

At any rate, this guy was known to have done this before, yet they kept associating with him and inviting him to things. So him being violent was not a deal breaker. That’s indirectly condoning his behavior, and by doing so, they placed you in danger. Perhaps you should reevaluate your group of friends. You deserve better.

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u/Coins2007 Jun 12 '21

Following in the theme of OP's username, I want to address the helpful and unhelpful comments here.

First, to OP: The most helpful comments here have said what needs to be said. It's not your fault. It's 100% your decision to report or not. If you have the smallest inkling you may want to report eventually, document your injuries. You are not to blame for this horrible man's behavior - current or future. I sincerely hope you have all the support you need moving forward to heal from this, as well as the trauma from your past experience(s).

Now, to the unhelpful comments. The ones that blame OP for her attacker's behavior, that say she's minimized this experience, that reply with indignation that she was around this guy/friend group (implying it's her fault, she should have know, etc). And all the other victim-blaming, pressuring comments piling on OP...STOP. Seriously. OP doesn't need dozens of comments telling her or trying to convince her to report to police; she's already explained why she doesn't feel comfortable doing that. She doesn't need internet strangers questioning her right now. It costs you nothing to simply comment that you support OP. If you can't do that, keep scrolling. If you're mad because she doesn't want to report, consider the larger SYSTEMIC issue that has made her feel that way: law enforcement SUCKS dealing with victims/survivors, especially in cases of sexual assault or domestic violence. Please direct your energy and frustration to the system that re-traumatizes and further victimizes people who report SA/DV.

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u/Jarix Jun 12 '21

Document document document. (If/when you are ready willing and able of course)

Record everything you can think of that might be relevant. Who was all around when it happened. What clothes everyone was wearing. What did people drink eat gift talk about.

Literally any detail that can be referenced.

If ever there is a time you need it the details you can't remember tomorrow it will be good to have written them down today.

Get it notorized even! (I mean get it officially dated in some way so that it can't be said you invented any of this at a later date if a notory doesn't actually do this like ice always thought they did)

Maybe you never feel able to use it or let anyone else see all this. But you will have something for a future case to help any future victims might need it later.

This way you can protect yourself now and in the future have a really useful thing to bring out as soon as you need to use it.

Hope you find your best path forward!

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u/RedditVince Jun 12 '21

Hopefully you are making the post so you further understand this kind of behavior. It is a dominance thing. Many may say it will not stop until after he kills someone and gets caught.

This was an attack, presumably un-provoked, against you and did not end until you had to use force against the attacker. You say he has done this to others, so he thinks it is OK and enjoys getting his dominance kick out of it.

Saying he enjoys nails digging in and scratching during sex, shows, and expresses he is dangerous and needs help before it goes too far. Also, I can almost guarantee he has raped someone in the past and they simply did not say anything. It may have started consensual but I am close to 100% sure it has progress beyond consensual. possibly more than a few times.

I will not tell you to report him, that is 100% up to you and the situation. I will say, please stay safe!

edit: punctuation and a word

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u/fallenwish88 Jun 12 '21

I had this happen to me in my mid teens. My friends wanted me to date their friend JD, I wasn't interested in him but they all told me to give him a chance. I did stupidly and went for a walk with him. We ended up going to some remote part of the countryside where he said he could kill me and no one would hear me scream.

I said to him and my friends at school that I did not want to date him at all. He responded to that by strangling me. I was so terrified I just went straight home. My mum accompanied me to a meeting with the deputy head. He said that JD was an outstanding student and I'm lying. It didn't matter that I had bruises on my neck. I then just went to school for my lessons then went straight home to limit the chance of seeing him. I was too terrified to report him, and all my friends at the time said he was just joking and didn't mean to hurt me, he really was a good guy.

I know the situation you are in. Looking after yourself and your own safety is more important than reporting him. However I would advise to take photos of the injuries he caused in case you can in the future.

Take care, much love and support.

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u/lvhockeytrish Jun 12 '21

Please report this. His escalation is terrifying. But if you need to protect yourself, it's completely understandable.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '21

This is absolutely not okay. You absolutely would be better of without this group of people in your life if they cannot take your side over something like this

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u/Festernd Jun 12 '21

look up the term 'missing stairs' It's a thing. They are really prevalent in groups that are open to outcasts or even a little bit 'weird'.

Large scale LARP groups and such have started teaching how to identify and get rid of missing stairs.

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u/kikentoast Jun 12 '21

Some family members and I went out one night. Everyone was ahead of me because I had to grab something from my car. One cousin stayed behind. We were out of sight on the passenger side and he grabs me by the throat and pushes me up against the car. It wasn’t a lot of pressure, but enough for me to think “I don’t think he’s joking around” He said something degrading, don’t remember what exactly. I don’t know what caused him to do that but I do think it could have stemmed from jealousy. I half jokingly told everyone “Bobby just tried to choke me haha” and they all laughed it off and went about the night like it was nothing. I don’t blame them at all for blowing it off because I did too. We did joke around and do stupid things to each other, but something felt different this time. The way he did it when we were isolated, the pressure he applied and the tone of his voice, it didn’t feel like a joke. Luckily, he’s no longer in my life and hasn’t been for years

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

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u/ReverbDragon Jun 12 '21

In reply to your edit, please protect yourself. That is your priority, and should be done in a manner that makes you feel most comfortable. Not everyone has the support network to take on these goons. Be safe.

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u/IllPaleontologist592 Jun 12 '21

Every time I've had a guy put his hand on my throat, it's never ended well. Even if it wasn't violent, it's just something that if somebody does it, I am immediately uncomfortable with that person. It's very telling

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u/darkwingdibbs88 Jun 12 '21

You don’t need to know why you made the post, you deserve support regardless.

It makes me so happy seeing words of kindness for you. It makes me so mad to think our world is such that you feel powerless to stop him or speak up.

We need to be better

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u/Mercilesspope Jun 12 '21

Sorry you are going through this. I know it can be difficult when dealing with situations like this and friends of friends. Don't let anyone make you feel like you have some obligation.

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u/TheAlmightRed Jun 13 '21

This is... jesus. There are no words. Don't ever go back there. Ever. Even if your friend says the asshole's not home, you'll never known if he might come home unannounced or whatever. Keep your safety at the forefront of it all. If your friend wants to hang out, he can come to your place, not the other way around.

It's your right whether you go to the authorities or not. I'm so sorry you feel afraid to, because you're worried about repercussion of both not being believed but also what this asshole might do in response. There are certainly some good reasons people have put forward for going to the police, but your reasons are also your reasons.

You're the victim here. You aren't on trial, so if you can't go to the authorities, then you can't.

Just, please, keep your safety at the forefront, from now on, with this guy. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, previously. But now, stay the hell away from this guy. As far as possible. Because he revealed what he was, and he's a reprehensible piece of fucking shit.

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u/Stealth_FtM Jun 12 '21

Please call the police and report the assault that happened to you with witnesses! And take photographic evidence of any bruises that may appear.

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u/Riisiichan Jun 12 '21

I regularly scratched guys arms to the point they bled in High School.

None of them were my boyfriend, just guys who sat next to me and requested it. (I liked to do it to make sure my nails were sharp enough to use as a weapon if necessary).

My point is, when under attack always go for the eyes, nose or groin.

Don’t make them bleed, make them regret.

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u/Unhelpfulhelpful Jun 12 '21

I froze and didn't react for a sec, but then I tried his hands hoping he was playing around and would let go of he felt my nails. Then I remembered to go for the face/eyes and that's when he let go. When he saw me go into the face scratch, he let go as he jerked away

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u/maloneyspooks5643 Jun 12 '21

Once you have processed this, as others have said I would go to the police. It is very frightening to hear that this is normal behavior from him. It means that he thinks it is perfectly ok to deal with his emotions by using violence. It is not ok in anyway. Report him when you are ready and DO NOT GO BACK TO HIS HOUSE ALONE OR WITH A GROUP!

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u/_fuyumi Jun 12 '21

He's a piece of shit. If he assaults people in the future, it's HIS fault, not yours.

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u/thekimmykakes Jun 12 '21

You’re making this post because it’s deeply upsetting. I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s so disturbing that most women can relate to this, so much toxic masculinity. But in your case, he assaulted you, that’s not something that drinking too much can explain away. We all handle things in our own way, there isn’t a right or wrong to do that. I just hope that sharing this information is a cathartic experience. Thinking of you and sending love 💕

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u/ccaterinaghost Jun 12 '21

Wait so no one else at this house stopped him while he was attacking you??

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u/Lolamichigan Jun 12 '21

I would just gather your friends and distance yourselves. Help relocate the friend who lives with him. Good luck.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '21

Sorry ypu went theough this OP. What a fucking psycho.

Reminds me of a guy my friend briefly dated, about a decade ago. He was ex-military corrections officer, and I had a feeling he was an angry person. I stepped out of the house to get something from my car. As I was walking back in through the front door, he slammed me up against the wall and screamed in my face. I dont even remember what he said, but his arm was across my chest, holding me there. He let go and laughed... apparently he was telling a work story and decided to demonstrate the situation on me... who had no fkn idea what was going on because I had left the room for a minute. No one said anything and the party just resumed. I was in shock, but left soon after. A few years ago, I heard that he had severe depression and killed himself.

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u/Mortifer Jun 12 '21

The less your name comes up near pyscho, the safer you'll be. Better to cut ties with everyone involved, and find other more dependable friends. The only time to talk to the police is when it's do or die. There's a very narrow opportunity for gain, and an enormous possiblity for loss.

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u/geekpeeps Jun 12 '21

Some people are just dangerous. I hope you’re ok and that you never have to encounter him again.

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u/CannaPanda69 Jun 12 '21

Wow. Stop hanging with these people. Even the person who defended him. Like wtf ?

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u/Unhelpfulhelpful Jun 12 '21

No one defended him. He was a friend of a friend. And my friend is no longer friends with him after what he saw

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u/Inlieuof456 Jun 12 '21

Good. Now, ignore the haters. You are the victim. Take some time for yourself, please. Take care.💗

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u/Licorishlover Jun 12 '21

You might want to report him although it takes hours it might give you some type of closure. He sounds like a psychopath and sorry you had to experience this level of violence.

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u/krichard-21 Jun 12 '21

Reading through tips years ago, when defending yourself. Drive your thumbs into your attackers eyes. Then let go. In some cases their eyes may pop out. They tend to lose focus. Honestly, I suggest taking a self defense course, or two.

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u/krichard-21 Jun 12 '21

PS. I've asked my daughter to take a course and offered to pay. Sigh.

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u/121gigawhatevs Jun 12 '21

Wtf that guys a psychopath. If he were a dog he’d be put down.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

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u/Unhelpfulhelpful Jun 12 '21

Hey, I had a big chat about it afterwards and the next day with my male friend who saw it. He's really open to learning and wanting to support me, so I think he's slowly trying to break the habit of how he was brought up to act. And he said he would do something about it too, talk to the guy and out him to other friends

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u/AssBoon92 Jun 12 '21

Men have a responsibility in this to call out their friends but also to amplify women's voices/experiences.

It's good that you made this post, because it makes people like me more likely to speak up.

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u/GetOffMyLawn_ =^..^= Jun 12 '21

But I keep thinking how his friend group and society has enabled this guy to get away with his behaviour until he moved it to the next level.

Because like you they are afraid to report him.

Please stay as far away from him and his associates as possible.

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u/MuppetManiac Jun 12 '21

I would be calling the police. Not ok. Very very not ok.

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u/hellbabe222 Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

It must be incredibly frustrating when you make a post like this just to sort of talk it out to try to make yourself feel better about the situation only to have like 80% of the people commenting completely ignore you about the decisions you've chosen to make moving forward.

"I know she doesn't want to report it but...." "All she has to do is report it..." "Get your male friend to report it for you..." (Which is basically the same fucking thing as reporting it yourself!).

You don't have to put yourself in danger AGAIN for this guy and please don't feel bad for not doing so. You don't owe it to anyone. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to document what happened even going so far as to get a Drs report and a written statement from your friend. You absolutely do not need to martyr yourself for this piece of shit. Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty for the decisions you've made concerning this assault.

I'm very sorry this happened to you. I hope you and everyone else this guy has assaulted get justice. Fuck him and fuck everyone telling you how to handle your shit.

Edit:spelling.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '21

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u/zombie_snuffleupagus Jun 12 '21

Please don't hound a victim to report when she's clearly not ready to.

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u/break_card Jun 12 '21

Wait he kicked you out of the house after?

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u/angel-girl2020 Jun 12 '21

I was once strangled by an ex, held up against the wall. It was five years ago and it still haunts me regularly. It's terrifying because you don't know if you'll die. My heart goes out to you OP. I hope you get the justice you deserve

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u/Idrahaje Jun 12 '21

Excuse me, what? This man needs to be in jail.

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u/oliveoilcrisis Jun 12 '21

I’m so terribly sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault. Please consider making a police report— you were assaulted.

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u/HeatherReadsReddit Jun 12 '21

I’m glad that you were able to get away, and that you’re getting checked out medically.

Please don’t let anyone guilt you into reporting - or having your friend report - when you don’t want to. The situation is yours to decide. I support you.

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u/I_Heart_Squids Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

Even if you're not going to the police you need to cut contact with anyone that remains friends with this person, and make sure you will never be around them again. This guy is going to kill someone, and your "friends" are ok with that. Anyone who can know this guy randomly came up and choked you and stay in contact with this guy isn't your friend. These "friends" know this guy has a history of this, and they are ok with it. It does not phase them that this guy chokes women. What does it say about *them* and how they view violence and women. The appropriate response was for your friend to call the police report himself, and take steps to get this guy removed from their home--instead it sounds like he's just going to ignore it and keep living with this guy. If your roommate assaulted your friend in a way that could have killed her how would you react? Would you just keep living with that person like nothing ever happened?

Get away from that entire circle.

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u/schnozzberriestaste Jun 12 '21

I appreciate why this whole situation is so tough for you, and because of that, I hope your friend who witnessed this can step up and do some of the work. To me that looks like: taking the lead on documentation, discreetly asking around and finding other people who this has happened to, reaching out to a violence/abuse nonprofit for legal advice, planning out the report in a way that doesn't rush you would remove obstacles such that if/once you do decide to report, all you'd have to do is cut and paste.

It's a bit of an ask for him, to be sure, but who knows? Maybe he's a good guy who has wondered what he can do to be more of a support to the women around him.

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u/Dlinyenki Jun 12 '21

Jesus christ. I'm so sorry this happened. What an absolute piece of shit. Man needs the lesson of a few bats to the cranium. I understand the reluctance. It is not your responsibility to make sure he pays, especially because cases like this are so rarely prosecuted until irreversible physical harm is done. It's not taken seriously and the ones who come forward put themselves at awful risk. If you got checked out and have a witness, your chances are better, but people need to understand the difficulty in coming forward.

I hope his friend group cuts him out completely, shuns him, and refuses to have anything to do with him. Men like this do not learn except through force and repeated condemnations from male friends, because they don't see women as worth listening to.

I've had friends go through similar experiences, and all I could do was be there for them and act as a human shield if their abusers showed up. I hope you have a good support system and wish you a quick recovery.

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u/hungry_cat_is_hungry Jun 12 '21

Please come up with a safety plan for yourself. Call a domestic violence or sexual assault hotline. It’s okay that your aren’t in a relationship with this person. They can help you think through ways to keep yourself safe from future harm. What he did is indicative of future violence, so keeping yourself away from him is most important. Whether or not you report is up to you. It’s not as simple as folks are making it out to be and can put you at greater risk. A hotline can help you weigh that decision as well. I’m so sorry that happened to you. It was not your fault and reveals much more about him. Don’t be tempted to let yourself or others minimize it. That is downright frightening. Sending you lots of internet love. Be well. ♥️

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u/ViolasDIL Jun 12 '21

Oh, dear. I’m so sorry. Please do keep your distance from your friend until he no longer lives with this sociopath for your own safety.

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u/letspaintthesky Jun 12 '21

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's a terrifying thing and I absolutely support your right NOT to report him-it's obvious there will be little other result than putting you in danger. Hopefully soon your friend will be able to change accommodation so that you never have to see this guy again.

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u/Newsdwarf Jun 12 '21

I'm glad you're safe OP, but your friend - the one who froze then told you this guy had also assaulted him - needs his ass kicked. He knows throat guy behaves like this, so he doesn't get the option of 'freezing'. He should have been on his feet immediately telling shit for brains to take his hands off you, and then removing you both to safety.

If this friend truly is super supportive, he'll be telling throat guy that his behaviour is unacceptable, then having nothing more to do with him.

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u/cmdr_suds Jun 12 '21

I once had a male friend who got angry with his daughter’s boyfriend. So much so that he put his hands on the kid’s throat and started to shake him. The kid called the police and my friend admitted to police that he had indeed put his hands on the kids throat. The police promptly arrested my friend for attempted murder. Had he simply dotted the I, he would have been only charged with assault.

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u/Alexis_J_M Jun 12 '21

Call the police. The cops will laugh at you and do nothing but the jerk will get a police report on his name, may even get dragged to the police station to tell his side of the story.

"I was drunk" is an excuse that gets less and less credence these days.

And take him to court for your bill at A&E.

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u/zeromalarki Jun 12 '21

What. The. Fuck.

That guy needs to be euthanized.

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u/luv_u_deerly Jun 12 '21

You should press charges. If he does this ALL the time he needs to know it's not okay and that someone takes it seriously.

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u/nesfor Jun 12 '21

That’s terrifying. Clawing at his hand and realizing he’s really doing this and he’s not stopping…I’m horrified for you. Big hugs.

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u/Absinthe-N-Elysium Jun 12 '21

Press. Charges. Period. Fuck that asshole! Men who choke women are more likely to kill women in domestic violence cases. Hes dangerous.

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u/Hikeyour_ownhike Jun 12 '21

I hope that fucks in jail.

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u/Bivampirelizardslut Jun 12 '21

Your friend is a psychopath

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u/blackirishhellhounds Jun 12 '21

Your friend should have helped you out. Kinda terrible friend

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u/Gufurblebits Jun 12 '21

It's called assault and because no one ever reports it, and they just blow it off like it's no big deal, he's enabled, gets away with it, and doesn't face consequences.

I'd report him, simply because for one - booze is not an acceptable excuse. I've been crawling on my hands and knees drunk and not hurt a soul. You've already downgraded how serious this is by giving a little justification when you say he had been drinking: the drinking isn't a factor. His shit behaviour is a factor though.

And for the other thing, he only choked you this time and then cracked sexual comments at you that suggest he's hurting people when having sex, and gets off on the pain. One of these days, he's going to seriously hurt someone, if he hasn't already. Or worse.

You, even though you're complaining about it to us (and you should!) have made light of it, and his 'friends' even moreso. I mean, he blamed you too by kicking you out of his house.

The guy is going downhill fast and he even if nothing comes of it, he needs to be on police radar so they have a history.

I'm glad you're alright and I hope you are smart enough to never socialize with him again. If your friends bring him around, you walk out. ..and get new/better friends.

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u/thedirtybar Jun 12 '21

The belief that people are people first is not one that we teach. Some are willing to do all kinds of stuff to objects.

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u/F6KAfAZY Jun 12 '21

Had a kid put his hand around my face and hold it back. It was offstage to a performance, so I couldn't say/do anything distrupting.

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u/NotInACreepyWay Jun 12 '21

It was offstage to a performance, so I couldn't say/do anything distrupting.

Abusers depend on this to get away with abusing people: there's social pressure on you to do nothing, which stops you from calling for help or fighting back. You can do something, but there are social restraints on you that prevent it.

Recognizing this can help you overcome the social restraints when you're in real danger. Sure, maybe you'd interrupt a play with a scream from offstage, but so what? People will get over it, and most of them won't remember it a week later anyway.

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u/Throwawayqwe123456 Jun 12 '21

Yeah a friend went to watch her other friend play a gig in a bar the other week. The bar owner grabbed her ass and then argued with her when she called him out for it. He said shit like “I do this to hundreds of women and they love it”. Then threatened her with the IRA (odd). She feels like she can’t say anything to anyone because he will cancel her friend’s gig in that bar and she relies on this money. He knows fine well what he’s doing because he knows people have to suck it up to pay rent. Disgusting.

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u/LadyDouchebag Jun 12 '21

Call the cops and file a report. WTF??