r/TrueOffMyChest May 04 '21

I tried to make my relationship work while my GF sells nudes but I just can’t do it anymore.

[removed]

22k Upvotes

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u/Shonever May 04 '21

I've been married a few years now, but dated my wife for around 7 years before and am 37 years old.

Here's the deal: I wasted too much time dating / being in committed relationships prior to seeing her that I was unhappy in. I worked in an industry with older men who constantly complained about their wives, and coupled with my own parents unhappy marriage - I legitimately thought that being miserable and unhappy after a couple years was just the norm.

Don't get me wrong. Being in a serious, committed relationship or marriage takes work. There's compromise, and communication is a necessity. However, if there's something you are unwilling to compromise on now and for the foreseeable future and your significant other just can't meet your needs or expectations - and you're not married - for fuck sake, sever. And don't feel guilty about it.

We all have 1 life to live. The sooner you stop trying to make something work out, the sooner you'll be in something that just does naturally. Something that meets your wants and needs, and something that meets your partner's wants and needs. Not only is it unfair to yourself to force it, it's unfair to your partner.

This goes out to not just this scenario, but anyone out there having issues with a significant other that forces themselves to be with someone for various reasons - ranging from a fear of being alone to believing it's too hard to start over (with the answers to those reasons being A) you're most likely not going to be alone forever and even if you were, it's better to be lonely sometimes than being unhappy constantly and B) it's hard to start over, but the longer the relationship is drawn out - that will most likely end anyway - the harder it will become to sever).

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u/Jamesv3 May 04 '21

I needed to hear this for my own life lol. Tried forcing something to work and it just didn't. Was a waste of time and burned a lot of mental energy I could have used elsewhere

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u/k2_electric_boogaloo May 04 '21

you're most likely not going to be alone forever and even if you were, it's better to be lonely sometimes than being unhappy constantly

This is the wisdom I gained after several years of being very, very single. I've reached the age where a lot of the people in my orbit that I was envious of for getting married "on time" in their 20s are starting to divorce because it turned out that they were both afraid to be alone or just thought getting married was a thing that you do after being together for a while. Honestly, if I'd stuck with any of my exes I know I would be in the same position. I feel lucky to enjoy my own company now.

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u/GTI_88 May 04 '21

Married in twenties, now divorced. I’ve learned most of us don’t know shit about ourselves or life in general until 30s

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u/anotherguyinaustin May 05 '21

Married in 20s, going through divorce now. Couldn’t agree more man. Had no idea what i wanted 10 years ago but I sure have a better idea now.

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u/GTI_88 May 05 '21

Cheers dude! I’ll tell you, I’ve been dating for the last year and it’s been so much easier to cut through the bullshit. Usually after the first date I was able to tell whether it was a no go for me or not. Now I’ve been seeing someone for 8 months and it’s been night and day difference from my ex.

Being in a relationship where you are both adults, make yourselves happy, want to make the other person happy, and actually communicate what is making you happy or not, is awesome.

Hang in there bud, there is for sure light on the other side!

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u/cbpage11 May 04 '21

No awards to give, but if I had one, I would.

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u/Chamero May 04 '21

Currently in this situation and you made me tear up

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u/whiteriot413 May 04 '21

And you don't have to. You have no obligation to be ok with that.

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u/seanpeery May 04 '21

Be happy that she has found a way to make money in a method she prefers, but you don't have to pretend to be happy to have a relationship with her.

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u/space_hitler May 04 '21

You don't even have to be happy about what other people do either. You can just not give a shit about it.

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u/Vulfpek May 04 '21

You can also dislike what people do for money.

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u/verydumbperson1 May 04 '21

Example: Jeff bezos.

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u/TotallyNOTJeff_89 May 04 '21

I'd do Jeff Bezos for money

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u/SpiceyXI May 04 '21

Sure, and you totally aren't Jeff Bezos trolling reddit for some fresh meat. Trying to throw us off with that username....

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u/TotallyNOTJeff_89 May 04 '21

Totally not.

You gotta admit he's quite dashing and you'd do him for money too though.

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u/Membership_Fine May 04 '21

This guy lol

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u/moehoesmowoes May 04 '21

Lmao reddit has people fucking PETRIFIED to say they don't like what a woman is doing for money

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u/Donkey__Balls May 05 '21

Seriously. According to read it, guys have to be perfectly OK if they are girlfriend is giving private lab dances in the champagne room at a strip club, snapchatting with a dozen guys every night who pay her to pretend to be her their girlfriend, or even flat-out working as a prostitute.

“BuT iTs HeR jOb!”

Sex work is still sex, it doesn’t matter if there is money exchanged or not. No guy has a right to tell a girl what she can do with her body, but a guy has EVERY right to define for himself what kind of relationship he wants to be in.

If you don’t want to be in a relationship with a stripper you are under no obligation. If you know that she is a stripper and then you choose to be in a relationship than you are choosing to be fine with all of the things that she’s doing. That means not just getting naked on stage, because they don’t actually make much money off that. They make money off private dances, and that means sitting on guys lamps wearing little or nothing, pressing her body up against them, grinding them and giving them erections and sexual pleasure. If you took the money exchange out of it and your partner simply did that with another person right in front of you, that would be a dealbreaker for most guys - and most girls too. The act is still the act regardless if someone is getting paid for it.

To me the biggest issue with OF is that nobody is simply paying for porn on its own when the Internet is so full of it. They’re paying for sexual conversations and an intimate connection. If a girl is on 0F and she wants to be in a committed relationship with a guy outside of it, in order for the relationship to have equality she would have to be perfectly fine with looking on his phone and seeing him having a bunch of text conversations with other women that are of the same sexual nature as the chance she is having with her paying fans. That would be an equal relationship - Even Steven. However I think most women would consider this to be cheating.

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u/AlfredKinsey May 04 '21

Reddit can suck its own SJW-shilling dick.

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u/Scottisier May 04 '21

You can be upset too! The fact shes doing it despite OP obviously not being cool with it shows she didnt really consider his needs and wants well.

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u/TrackChanging May 04 '21

Why does OP need to be happy that she’s found a way to make money in a way that she prefers? What’s with the cultural insistence on tacit approval of things disapproved?

It’s far more authentic for OP to disapprove and this to contribute to the reason he’s done than to pretend that he’s okay with something he’s not.

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u/LanderG34 May 04 '21

If you are unhappy its probably for the best to go separate ways

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u/Masol_The_Producer May 04 '21 edited May 05 '21

OR you can buy a sex robot in 2077

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u/TheDukeOfHurl May 04 '21

I think he already has one.

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u/dont_wear_a_C May 04 '21

Krieger????

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u/snypershot May 04 '21 edited May 05 '21

I call him fister roboto

*Grammer from someone way down this thread

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u/Youkolvr89 May 04 '21

Fisto is my favorite part of Fallout New Vegas.

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u/aSpanks May 04 '21

Damn beat me to it

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u/LawnDartTag May 04 '21

Danger zone

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u/ijonoi May 04 '21

Nice.

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u/CaptainDogeSparrow May 04 '21

I can't believe you've done this

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u/dirtbag52 May 04 '21

Agreed, but it appears broken.

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u/sokobanz May 04 '21

he need to pay for premium membership

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u/Virgin_Dildo_Lover May 04 '21

Broken sex robot checking in.

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u/SmittyG8r May 04 '21

Broken sex robot is a great band name

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u/jcheese27 May 04 '21 edited May 04 '21

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u/armeliman May 04 '21

I was hoping to find this here

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u/jcheese27 May 04 '21

What does he want?

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u/armeliman May 04 '21

He wants seeeeexxxxx

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u/IggyBielskis May 04 '21

Why is this always the response on Reddit. What about communicating your issues and talking it out like 2 adults?

If OP has already tried communicating with no success then it may be time to reach for the door.

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u/PuzzleheadedFlan188 May 04 '21

OP said, "I tried to make my relationship work," I would assume that means they were communicating about it, but maybe not?

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u/WeCame2BurgleUrTurts May 04 '21

Lol the amount of times my friends come to me complaining about their relationships and when I say, “have you talked to them about it?” they’re like “well no, but....”

Trying to make it work probably just means trying to make it not bother him. Communication is the basis of all healthy relationships.

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u/Not_your_deal May 04 '21

I can’t agree with you more. People just don’t know how to talk or they don’t do it because of any other reason. So many problems could be solved just by talking. I swear if people are gonna start talking about things that bother them in their relationship there would be less divorces.

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u/ChalkLatePotato May 04 '21

I wouldn't assume that at all, especially since the standard for "effective communication " varies from person to person. Op did not define nor describe what their definition of trying in this relationship is; for all we know, trying, for them is being passive agressive and indirect or just telling their gf, "I support your decision" and doing nothing else. Based on the grievances, I question of if there was ever a discussion on boundaries and expectations related to how she makes her money and how OP and she engage with one another sexually. Does OP know if their gf has any reservations about having sex with them since she began selling photos or if she aware OP is unhappy about her line of work, but unclear on why and doesn't know how to talk about it, there is value in talking to gf about how she pervices the situation. Maybe she is put off of sex because of the nature of her word. Perhaps OP and she might need to try to "rekindle" her interest in sex recreationally? Think of it this way, even a Chef doesn't want to cook all day; has OP talked to their gf from this perspective? Has OP tried integrating work and pleasure, we don't know....what has OP tried? Why does OP feel whatever they have tried did not work. Most importantly, what outcome is OP looking for; do they want to leave the relationship and posted om Reddit for validation and a "rubber stamp committee" or are they frustrated and seeking advice to improve their relationship? Does OP think they need to make any changes, what changes are they willing to make? How long are they willing to work for theses changes, are they changes worth making?

That is how we are supposed to engage with posts like this; we should never assume the details of the situation beyond the information in front of us. If we think something might be the case, we ask, but we should avoid making declarative statements or deductions without the direct guidance of OP. Ask the person to define and describe their experience in their own words. Once they do, in their own words, what solution they are looking for and how do they expect others to help them.

Otherwise we are just giving strangers questionable (often terrifyingly bad) advice and suggestions based on our worldview and morals. When in doubt, tell OP to go hit up a couples counselor.

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u/[deleted] May 04 '21

[deleted]

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u/mistybluhop May 04 '21

Still new to Reddit, I see.

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u/duksinarw May 04 '21

You're right, it wouldn't make sense to come to Reddit for your personal problems before trying to communicate like an adult.

So what do you think Redditors do?

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u/Figdudeton May 04 '21

Lol you’d think that, wouldn’t you?

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u/Kroniid09 May 04 '21

That's literally the point of coming to this sub though, get advice from others before you put your foot in your mouth

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u/Lordj09 May 04 '21

This is a relationship, not a DND group.

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u/ragman75 May 04 '21

He probably did.

The reality is doing sex work in any capacity while in a relationship, is basically another form of non monogamy. Therefore you cant expect most people to be ok with it, just like you cant expect most people to be down for polygamy.

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u/theoriginaled May 04 '21

"You should communicate" is the r/thanksimcured of relationship advice. Its never that fucking simple.

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u/easement5 May 04 '21

I mean. Sometimes it is that simple.

At the very least, it's silly to encourage people to go straight to "cut them off bro they're toxic let them go bro" when we don't know the full context of the situation

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u/damasu950 May 04 '21

As the hovering street advertising vehicle in Blade Runner says, MOVE ON MOVE ON

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u/bedgasm_for_one May 04 '21 edited May 04 '21

Oh man I know exactly what this is like. When I did something similar (not OF but a different site), I did NOT wanna have sex with my BF. I didn't want anything to do with anything sexual because I lived and breathed sex 10 hours a day. Women don't know how much of a toll it is on your relationships or mental health when doing OF or any other cam site. I wrote a whole thing about the side effects of being an OF girl on reddit. It's exhausting, it fucks up your mental health, and it can potentially put you in danger and after all that, I quit. And I'm glad I did.

Edit: DEFINIETLEY miss the money though, not gunna lie.

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u/SnooRadishes9346 May 04 '21 edited May 04 '21

Same. Was doing something kinda similar to OF way before it was even a thing and it just made me resent anything sexual in real life even without a BF. As you said, money was nice. Some extra change in my pocket. Glad I quit, too. Edit: would like to add that it got to the point of having to be fucked up to perform. Typically drunk.

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u/QuestioningEspecialy May 04 '21

To everyone: If you ever feel the need to be regularly fucked up to go to work, you should probably find different work.

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u/bedgasm_for_one May 04 '21

This is so true for literally any job haha

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u/Makualax May 04 '21

The restaurant industry didn't get the memo

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u/Reaverx218 May 04 '21

The one place where I saw people high and drunk and operate better then when they were sober. Had a guy I worked with who would come in pissed at the world "for reference he had a lot of shit going down in his life" 30 minutes into his shift he would take a smoke break which was fairly standard for most of the staff the difference was he was getting high as a kite and would come back a model employee was polite to customers did whatever tasks I gave him and was a ton of fun to be around. In return I didn't turn him in to the manager and always gave him his preferred tasks for the night. So instead of doing dishes and prep I let him clean lobby and stock the front of the store well handling most of the customers. He was genuinely a pretty good dude who was just going through some shit. Anyway all of this to say remember kids at least half your restaurant staff is inebriated in some way at all times and that doesn't make them bad people.

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u/RSNKailash May 04 '21

Haha nice story. My managers know I go get blazed at work. But I am genuinely a more efficient worker, happier, more friendly, and just generally better at my job. And I dont get frustrated at random shit.

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u/Reaverx218 May 04 '21

I dont know about you but sometimes being under the influence makes me not sweat the small stuff and let's me just focus on the task at hand.

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u/QuestioningEspecialy May 04 '21

Anyway all of this to say remember kids at least half your restaurant staff is inebriated in some way at all times and that doesn't make them bad people.

Can somebody explain this to corporate (and certain voters)?

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u/Fixthemix May 04 '21

I was a dishes boy (?) at a pretty high end restaurant in my teens.

Man did that job have some delicious perks. On a single shift I could eat $500 of leftover cake while getting paid.

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u/The_Void_Reaver May 04 '21 edited May 04 '21

Reminds me of the night we were one of 4 restaurants catering a large Pharmaceutical convention/block party. They ordered 60 ribeye steaks which we'd normally serve bone-in but that night they were without the bone. The Chef cut them all before the catering started but because we were the 4th of 4 to open our doors, and we opened a fair bit later than the other 3, only about 6-10 of the ribeyes got cooked. Because they were already cut and we couldn't use them for normal service I walked out of there that night with 3 ribeye steaks, cut fresh that day, and had an absolutely fucking amazing barbeque with friends the next Saturday.

Edit: Did another similar event where all the Ribeyes were cooked and served but the chef definitely took it upon himself to cut them throughout the night as we were going along, so as not to make the steaks unusable for normal service if they didn't get eaten.

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u/DoxBox May 04 '21

I used to work at a fancy Italian place, though I only did the pizza and wings, and prep work.

Once got to go ham with the rest of the kitchen staff on the remainder (which was a bunch) of this really nice but multiple-thousand-dollar cake. A party had rented out our fanciest room for an event and brought the cake in.

I dunno if it was worth the price but god damn it was really good cake. Kudos to whoever threw that party because that was an expensive gift for a local dough-slinger.

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u/Laezdaez May 04 '21

beat me to it. lol.

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u/sicknick08 May 04 '21

Every restaurant I worked in, the head chef was a cocaine addicted pill popping asshat. Two 5 star restaurants, and 4.5 star. All 3 on private community type places

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u/Hescoveredinbutter May 04 '21

Hey! I relate to this

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u/Doggfite May 04 '21

Comedians and Musicians missed it too lol

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u/Archduke645 May 04 '21

At one point i slammed two bottles of wine a night easy to get through a shift, so glad i left the industry. Some people it works and some people it doesn't.

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u/TheChaosPaladin May 04 '21

How much did you end up making on average?

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u/botany5 May 04 '21

there's a life pro tip if ever there was one.

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u/SquareIcy6919 May 04 '21

So I shouldn't take a couple grams of shrooms before my next shift then ?

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u/Arkneryyn May 04 '21

What if you feel the need to be fucked up to work in general? Maybe the way we do work in the modern world is the problem and not each individual job

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u/orchidbloom8 May 04 '21

I literally do not know a single person who is working without some type of substance. Alcohol, weed, painkillers, LSD, shrooms, anti-depressants, benzos, it goes on. Seems to me that most people can't bareback this hell.

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u/buttpooperson May 04 '21

Unless it's the restaurant industry, where having to be fucked up at work is a feature and also how you wound up in a kitchen

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u/swiftyshep May 04 '21

Plus it's hard to drive the ambulance

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u/bedgasm_for_one May 04 '21

OMG yes. I had to get drunk sometimes to even justify some of the things I was requested to do. And I wasn't even being asked to do anything crazy but in order to enjoy it, I had to be drunk. It was sad it had to be that way.

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u/SnooRadishes9346 May 04 '21

Indeed. A lot of people think it's all roses and glamour... when really it can be pretty dark in reality.

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u/GreatQuestion May 04 '21

I don't think anyone, ever has thought that sex work is all roses and glamour.

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u/48ad16 May 04 '21

Almost every teenage boy thinks being a (male) porn star is cool.

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u/GreatQuestion May 04 '21

The opinions of teenage boys carry half the weight of a mote of dust and are twice as carcinogenic. I'm talking about people with fully developed pre-frontal cortices.

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u/Belo83 May 04 '21

People think sex work is roses and glamor? Guy here that in no world or reality ever felt the girls doing that for money really truly enjoyed any of it but the money. And for some, you can almost tell that it’s all they have.

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u/SnooRadishes9346 May 04 '21 edited May 04 '21

More or less what I was referring to by "a lot of people" is women that excitedly and usually blindly try to or get into this type of work. I have had many conversations with women that had absolutely ZERO idea of what it really entails. Apologies for not being clear enough.

Edit: spelling and all that good stuff.

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u/Belo83 May 04 '21

Gotcha, sometimes being naive is a blessing. But it’s surprising when one goes into a career without doing some dd first. Doesn’t make it less true though.

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u/SnooRadishes9346 May 04 '21

No I agree. Just clarifying a bit there. I was incredibly relieved when I found a job I could actually stand for the most part after I quit doing that. I didn't do it full time or anything, was mostly keeping me afloat while searching, but I was one of the naive ones and found out the hard way, lol.

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u/justsomeyeti May 04 '21

I've known a few sex workers, and only know two who enjoyed the work

I know a dancer who started fresh out of highschool in 1996, and still dances today. She's in fantastic shape and her face hasn't aged much. She loves to dance (not just stripping, she does several different types of dance and also instructs) and pretty much never wears clothes when she doesn't have to.

All in all she's a blast to be around.

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u/GameDevNoob1 May 04 '21

I looked and found your story. Very interesting and thought-provoking. Good for you for quiting!

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u/digitalPeneTrashun May 04 '21

I’ve always wondered about this. It seems like these girls put in a ton of hours and seems like the fans are very demanding. I can imagine some of these girls BC of the money end up feeling sort of enslaved by these “fans” Did you feel any of that

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u/bedgasm_for_one May 04 '21

Definitely. Some of the guys would be so demanding or be like "aren't we friends, why cant you give me free photos". There was always the fear of pissing off the wrong dude and he would threaten to come find you. You had to be nice even if they said fucked up things to you. One dude asked me if I had ever been raped so he could jerk off to the story. Man, I get people have fetishes but that was some next level shit.

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u/itsabloodydisgrace May 04 '21

That’s not a fetish though that’s straight sadism, getting off on an actual rape isn’t just a fetish mate don’t give him so much credit

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u/bedgasm_for_one May 04 '21

Yea you're right. That is not a fetish. Forgive my phrasing

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u/itsabloodydisgrace May 04 '21

You’re not the one at fault here sorry if I sounded harsh, I just hate this sick sadistic shit and how many young women are getting exposed to it, then feel like they can’t ‘kink shame’ the sick fuck after.

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u/bedgasm_for_one May 04 '21

Well I had no problem telling that guy to fuck off that's for sure

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u/SaltandIons May 04 '21

...sadism IS a fetish though?

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u/digitalPeneTrashun May 04 '21

Yeah that’s fucked. I think being an OF or camgirl can seem like this empowered thing and maybe it can be that too, but knowing how obsessed people become over the Internet and how entitled we can be especially when we’re paying money, it’s definitely not something I would wish for my daughter.

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u/bedgasm_for_one May 04 '21

I did feel empowered oddly enough. I was not forced to be there, I didn't have low self esteem, I didn't even have daddy issues. I just really liked talking about sex (and thoroughly enjoy it in real life) I just figured "if you're good at something, never do it for free". But there are other ways of feeling that empowerment, we just need to figure out how to find it

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u/enthalpy01 May 04 '21

Doesn’t even have to be sexual. I recently fell into the world of online gamer streamers by watching Disguised Toast Among Us videos. And the level of crap they have to put up with from fans in order to make money seems so ridiculous. The gaming is a grind they do for work and they get pushed to play with people viewers want to see them play with not necessarily their best friends. I feel like a normal 9-5 job would be more enjoyable than that.

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u/AA005555 May 04 '21

My ex did OF and it drove the wedge between us that made us break up. With her it wasn’t so much being less sexual but she was constantly comparing herself to those news stories of “how this soccer mom makes $25,000 a month on onlyfans” and it drove my gf’s self esteem way down to the point she felt she had to up her game on OF in terms of what she was doing. It was a sad experience all round.

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u/bedgasm_for_one May 04 '21

Oh yea the competition was definitely stiff but I never allowed it to phase. I knew that men had different tastes and in this case of the soccer mom, there was probably something to the fact that she was a "soccer mom" that made her popular. I had my own things going on. Depending on the person, it can drive your self esteem way down or way up. There's just no in between.

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u/IlIIlIllIIll May 04 '21

I think one of the major problems is younger people getting into it without really having any understanding of how they want to treat it in advance. It can be a full time job, or a side gig, or even a hobby, but each of those roles requires setting a different set of boundaries and goals (and enforcing them!)

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u/AA005555 May 04 '21

Yeah I know someone who does it who loves it because she’s from a small town and is very cautious about expressing her sexuality there (because people talk) but online she feels so free. So I guess it just depends on circumstance

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u/UncleStumpy78 May 04 '21

Does she realize the people in her small town probably have the internet?

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u/clocksfornipples May 04 '21

Whether OF or being a coke or meth dealer, everyone misses the money.

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u/supplyncommand May 04 '21

ya i don’t think people realize what you have to sacrifice in order to sell yourself for that kind of money. for a healthy relationship to end like OPs as a repercussion is sad. like any job you have to have a healthy balance. no different than if OP was in the office 80 hrs a week or out of town 8 weeks at a time. your partner is left emotionally and physically uninvested. i think a lot of the gals that do OF have a lot of maturing and growing up to do. comes with the line of work. i lost my gf due to her getting so much attention as a bartender. she didn’t know how to handle it or balance her life outside of work. everyone became her friend and the money flowed in. honestly if OF were around 5 years ago she probably would’ve done that too. she struggled with school and got into drugs. very difficult lifestyle to maintain and now she’s not doing so well. i wish things would’ve went differently. so im probably jaded but i feel bad for OP or any guy having to deal with someone who sells themselves like that. it’s too much to handle mentally

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u/Arkneryyn May 04 '21

Not only that but fuck the girls that advertise OF as basically free money and all fun and try to get other girls to sign up when they hit 18. That’s fucking grooming bro

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u/supplyncommand May 04 '21

ya and honestly as an adult male i thought it was all fun and easy money. never even thought of or realized the mental and physical side effects. and how awful a predicament like OPs must be to see the girl you’ve loved slowly deteriorate and suffer. only going to lead to bigger problems down the road. they definitely make it seem like why work when all you need is a camera and a computer

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u/nokturnalxitch May 04 '21

no different than if OP was in the office 80 hrs a week or out of town 8 weeks at a time. your partner is left emotionally and physically uninvested.

I don't think it's the same because it's sexual. Working long hours puts a toll on you because you're tired, stressed, maybe don't feel like having sex, but doing sexual stuff with random people for money has a different impact in your mental state and relationships

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u/supplyncommand May 04 '21 edited May 04 '21

true. i just wanted to try to compare it to a dude working too much and losing sex drive or interest since they typically don’t get into a sexual line of work.

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u/PM_ME_LIPSTICK_PICS May 04 '21

Hey it’s alright for a man to not have a direct comparison to a woman’s experience. We’ve all got typical and atypical things going on that other identities can’t relate to. Accepting that while maintaining compassion gives us a chance at inheriting some real perspective and insight.

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u/Dong_Hung_lo May 04 '21

Does everyone here know what OF stands for except me? I googled it and got Open Firmware and Operation Firestorm amongst others. I’m not sure any of them fit the context.

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u/Wahpaw May 04 '21

ODD FUTURE WOLF GANG KILL THEM ALL

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u/IcebergSlimFast May 04 '21

Of all people you, u/Dong_Hung_lo, should know what OF stands for.

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u/hensothor May 04 '21

Thanks for sharing your perspective! It’s good to hear both sides. Also props for not shaming him for his choice to potentially end the relationship.

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u/bedgasm_for_one May 04 '21

Oh nah. If he wants to leave then he should leave. But I definitely get both sides of the story.

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u/alianaoxenfree May 04 '21

My best friend consistently tries to talk me into doing OF with her and this is exactly why I don’t want to. Just reading The amount of sexual messages that come in on Reddit from simply being a woman on the site, is exhausting enough. I can’t imagine living breathing doing all day everyday. Yeah I could use the extra money but I’m not about to sell my life to it

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u/Maritimerintraining May 04 '21

Lots of people telling you to end it, but don't highlight the last line that you're really emotionally invested. Talk to her about it, and see how she responds. Be open and honest, and just see if that resonates.

If it doesn't, then you have a decision to make. People shouldn't shame her for selling nudes, but at the same time, she should validate how that is making you feel, and how much it is impacting you. If she does care for you, she should listen to your concerns.

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u/sailorcass May 04 '21

I agree. It seems a lot of people dart right at the onlyfans issue and not the part where we emotionally cares for her. Not everyone can handle being in a relationship sex worker, and that shouldn’t be an issue. If she was engaged as he is in their relationship, hopefully she would be open minded in stopping. If not, he shouldn’t feel bad. It’s not everyone’s thing and feel pressured into staying

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u/Apple_butters12 May 04 '21

You can be emotionally invested, but still realize that another aspect is so bad that you need to leave. As he mentioned, what’s killing him is that she goes out of her way to perform for others but gives him nothing in the bedroom. That’s a tough pill to swallow seeing that your GF will do things for strangers she won’t for the person she supposedly cares for.

OP also mentions that he has tried to make it work. If the OP is this unhappy with the situation they should leave because mentally it’s no longer a healthy situation.

I think most people are assuming that he has had these conversations because they said “they’ve tried to make it work” but who knows.

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u/corvusaraneae May 04 '21

This comment really should be higher.

Communication, OP. Definitely communicate. Tell her about your concerns. Explain how it makes you feel. Hopefully the two of you can come to a compromise.

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u/Godofwar512 May 04 '21

Have you talked to her?

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u/PixelSpy May 04 '21

Yeah I think that's the first step. people who just leave relationships without trying to work things out first are the worst kinds of people, I know that from experience.

I would tell her I'm uncomfortable with it and it's making me want to leave, if she wants to continue doing what she's doing then that's her choice. She could very well think OP is totally okay with what she's doing.

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u/Desperex May 04 '21

Hey OP, I understand how that can be frustrating. Have you tried discussing it with her? In my experience frustrations in the bedroom typically boil down to communication issues. Maybe what you're seeing as enthusiasm on OF is what she considers a performance she doesn't have to put on with you because she knows you love and accept her? If she truly loves you my dude, she will be more than willing to do whatever stuff you're into just like I'm sure you would do for her.

All it takes is a conversation, don't just break it off without discussing things. Nobody wins in that scenario.

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u/mitox11 May 04 '21

This is the type of shit some ppl are pushed into now cause "if you dont respect her selling nudes ure a mysoginist" or some shit....

I respects everyones right to their body but theres a very real reason why most people arent comfortable dating someone with an onlyfans

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u/Thewhitewool May 04 '21

He can't control her right to do what she wants with her body (selling nudes in this case), and she can't control what he does with his (in this case, ending the relationship).

We can't control other people's actions. But actions do have consequences, and she made her choice, and now he should do his. With the knowledge he did absolutely nothing wrong, and sometimes things just don't work out.

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u/6138 May 04 '21

This is pretty much it, you can be 100% accepting with what someone does with their body, but still not want to be in a relationship with them because of it.

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u/Maxor682 May 04 '21

Especially if it affects their sex life, which it sounds like it did

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u/LafayetteBeerLeague May 04 '21

Absolutely!

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u/Beardgardens May 04 '21

Hold up, genuinely curious to what people think: isn’t taking nudes and masturbating for strangers along the lines of cheating?

I wonder if the couple had a discussion about this. Of course it’s her body, but (call me old school) once you enter a relationship you shouldn’t go around flirting and showing yourself off to other people for money.

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u/_phesta May 04 '21

It’s a form of cheating in MY relationships but everyone is different. A lot of people are perfectly ok with their significant other selling nudes and that’s perfectly fine if it works for both people. For my wife and I, it would take an emotional toll if either of us did this and lead to divorce. Just have to find someone that’s on the same page.

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u/TGNova1 May 04 '21

Definitely for me, and for others around me, I see it as a form of cheating. I love my SO and they're not my property, but there's definitely some things in a relationship that need to stay private and intimate. Personally I'm on the side that our bodies belong solely to ourselves and each other and once those boundaries are pushed that part of the relationship becomes meaningless

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u/peachesthepup May 04 '21

Cheating is what each relationship defines as cheating. For some, it's selling nudes. For anothers, you can sleep with other people and it's not cheating. All should be discussed in the relationship.

If they did not discuss this or agree that its okay, yeah cheating. But OP doesn't mention that in the post. He still has the right to leave for any reason though.

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u/LafayetteBeerLeague May 04 '21

Exactly. I've been in a similar situation. I agreed to it as first but it eventually stopped being nude photos and shifted to "I'm going to a different state to fuck this guy for money." At that point I told her that our relationship could no longer continue if she believed that was the right thing for her.

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u/[deleted] May 04 '21 edited 21d ago

[deleted]

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u/Gerbal_Annihilation May 04 '21

I dated an influencer who did partial nude and had a patreon. She even has her own subreddit here. I couldn't handle it. I saw her inbox once and it was disgusting. While she didn't show nipples/vagina, it was still to much to handle. Only lasted about 4 months until I found out she was on a sugar daddy website. Good riddance, that chick was riddled with narcissism.

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u/SeriouslySlyGuy May 04 '21

Wait, a narcissistic influencer?! No way.

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u/plantbasedisbased May 04 '21

Cheating is when you break the rules of a relationship. Each relationship both partners decide on the rules together. If you don’t agree on rules, you can’t date. So if my partner and I agree we have no rule against flirting, sex, intimate friendships, etc, then it isn’t cheating to do so.

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u/acidfox90 May 04 '21

I'm in a semi-open relationship of sorts, and it's... Complicated. Not unhealthy, just that we have different tastes, so to speak, so we sometimes seek those things elsewhere.

I wouldn't consider something like OF cheating, as such; however, there are definitely boundaries you have to agree to, and if those boundaries are crossed, that's when trust is broken, and that's essentially the same thing. And it's definitely the case that if it started to negatively affect our relationship, as it did for the OP, then it would be a problem.

It's a woman's choice, sure- but at that point it's a choice between selling nudes on the internet, or continuing to be with me. Can't say fairer than that.

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u/Cry_in_the_shower May 04 '21

I mean, he should def communicate these things if he hasn't already. Ive ended unhappy relationships, and found out later that my partner was also willing to change the situation.

Some things die out, but some things can be addressed. Maybe she will want to stop the onlyfans?

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u/Thewhitewool May 04 '21

I assume that would have been the first step, before coming to Reddit. Communication is always key.

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u/emveetu May 04 '21

Very good point. We can't control what another person is going to feel, think, say or do. We can only control how we choose to react to them.

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u/Anthropscribe May 04 '21

Yeah, I think the reality is, a relationship is a two way street. Both need to be happy with each other to make it work, and part of that happiness is understanding, respecting, and being ok with each other’s values, boundaries, and needs, so it’s important to find someone where your values, boundaries, and needs align, or are genuinely respected and tolerated by each other without sacrificing or infringing on each other’s needs. Unfortunately, in a relationship, what some people do is blame their partner and shame them for their needs, values, and/or boundaries, and don’t respect them. As soon as that happens, it’s better to part ways if one or neither partner will not empathize with the other’s needs. I feel it takes a strong sense of emotional intelligence and maturity to admit and discuss these issues without being emotionally charged at your partner. That can determine how a relationship may potentially grow or how the relationship ends either on understanding terms without blame or bad non-understanding terms with blame.

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u/Epicjay May 04 '21

A coworker once asked me "would you let your girlfriend make an OF?" and when I said no they accused me of being controlling.

I responded she can do what she wants, sell nudes, give nudes out, she can even fuck other guys if she wants, but if she did I'd just break up with her and wish her a happy life.

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u/Petsweaters May 04 '21

This isn't just true of sex work, though. Most of the guys in my field have been divorced at least once because the hours are insane, and their wives get tired of being lonely

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u/PM_ME_RIPE_TOMATOES May 04 '21

"if you dont respect her selling nudes ure a mysoginist" or some shit....

I respect her, but I respect me too.

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u/Carbon-J May 04 '21

Exactly end it. Don’t humiliate yourself any longer

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u/Desmodaeus May 04 '21

There are plenty of excellent reasons not to date someone with an onlyfans. In the same way that there are a ton of great reasons not to date a person who has not yet learned how to value themselves. Self worth is the root of pretty much everything in life. It allows you to properly love yourself so that you can then properly love someone else. The vast majority of people who do things like onlyfans (despite what they tell themselves and how they act outwardly) are not emotionally secure individuals. This usually opens the door for a plethora of never-ending relationship problems.

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u/cambouquet May 04 '21

I’ve seen women say that it’s “empowering”. But if showing your butthole to the internet is what empowers you, the bar is LOW.

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u/MelaniaSexLife May 04 '21

that's the lie they tell themselves. Making porn as a woman is anti-feminist actually, because it makes women an object.

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u/unholymanserpent May 04 '21

You're being downvoted but I'm not seeing anyone post a counter-argument

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u/Huber2008 May 04 '21

Welcome to Reddit! You new here?

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u/Coolskull27 May 04 '21

This perfectly encapsulates how I feel about this godforsaken website. You make a comment or a post that offends no one yet still somehow for some reason get downvoted to shit

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u/DevilTuna May 04 '21

People should absolutely base their sense of self worth on something beyond how many people want to fuck them

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u/TheBeatGoesAnanas May 04 '21

If something in your relationship is making you unhappy, the first step is always - always - to sit down with your partner and discuss it. It seems like maybe you've skipped that step.

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u/CodeLobe May 04 '21

Incorrect. You bottle the emotion up, then pour rum into that same bottle to dissolve the unhappiness into a medicinal tincture. Then sell it to politicians... apparently.

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u/CompSciHS May 04 '21

Not necessarily. There can be many times when it is better to first take some time to yourself to think about it and/or confide with a therapist. Often you may not fully understand what is bothering you or why, so trying to jump straight to dialog with your partner might not be helpful yet, and you could say things that you later realize were not quite true.

This is especially true if the partner is not loving, respectful, trustworthy, and emotionally well-balanced. Talking first may not be helpful if it sends the partner into an emotional crisis, or if the partner responds in a dismissive or manipulative way.

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u/TheBeatGoesAnanas May 04 '21

I see your point and it is a valid one, but it also seems like a very specific exception that you're generalizing a little bit. If your partner is not loving, respectful, and/or trustworthy, that's what you should be sitting down to discuss.

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u/noonnapp May 04 '21

you should have a serious conversation about this no matter how hard it is for you. don't keep it to yourself or end the relationship before talking with her.

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u/LightHammer1011 May 04 '21

Not everyone can deal with that. Some ppl hate it, like you. Others love it, like ppl who wanna date strippers. It's just life. There's nothing wrong with it, but y'all just aren't compatible if that's what she wants to do

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u/bendybiznatch May 04 '21

I’ve known a lot of guys that like dating strippers. None of them are people I associate with anymore and it didn’t have anything to do with strippers. None of them ended up in a happy, healthy relationship. Most had serious substance issues.

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u/mmmelpomene May 04 '21

Someone in the 90s wrote an article for Rolling Stone about how they spent months talking to porn actors. Their hope was to get out of it something louche and glamorous that showed porn film actors/actresses in a good light. The journalist instead discovered that near every individual in front of camera talent he talked to in the adult film industry admitted to having been sexually abused in their past, and couldn’t go through with their original thesis. Man was it grim, but also instructive. This also fits with predatory people being attracted to sex workers. (Not saying this about OP, because I have no knowledge of stats of people who date or are amateur sex workers.)

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u/BoxofLazers May 04 '21

Shhhhh, you're ruining the circlejerk narrative that sex work is liberating and freeing and has no downsides whatsoever.

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u/bendybiznatch May 04 '21

Tbf here, I’m saying if you’re mostly dating sex workers, something ain’t right. For instance, it would be really random if you only dated phlebotomists or teachers. By chance if you’re dating around you’ll meet people from various industries. So if you just happen to continually date sex workers I can only assume you’re singling them out for a reason. And my life experience of knowing guys that “date strippers” tells me that it’s predatory, unhealthy and/or a sign of character deficits.

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u/BoxofLazers May 04 '21

I don't disagree with any of that.

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u/Tvoorhees May 04 '21

no one who is actually doing sex work believes that. real sex workers know the downsides and the dangers. that doesn't mean they cant voice the pros and let people decide for themselves if it's worth it.

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u/Emotional-Gain7128 May 04 '21

If you’re unhappy sexually, communicate with her about it. Communication is an important factor to making any kind of relationship work. Have you talked to her about this? If you communicate and it doesn’t fix things, then leave. You can walk away knowing you tried your best to fix things

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u/Pizzarar May 04 '21

Yeah they state their issue directly and clearly in their post but I'm curious if it's ever been directly brought up to their significant other. And I don't mean a beat around the bush, why don't we do things anymore. I mean a straight up, this is why I'm unhappy talk

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u/WorldDomIsFun May 04 '21

I concur. I was about to say this. The response one gets from online forums like reddit is at times, more like a knee jerk reaction. Before taking any drastic measures, talking to your partner and explaining how you feel, might be the right way to go. If they're receptive and agree, you might just get back the same state that you enjoyed. If not, then there are many other options. But talking to your partner, imo should be the first thing.

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u/NwbieGD May 04 '21

Listen sometimes things just don't work, no matter how much you love and like each other.

What your preferences are and what you can live with depends on you and that's different for everyone.

Sometimes it's distance due to originally being from completely different countries, sometimes it's you not being okay with people making pornography, sometimes it's because one person is monogamous and the other has to be polyamorous.

At some point you have to make a decision and you can't postpone it anymore, how difficult or uncomfortable it is. If OF is a no for you than in a good and healthy relationship you can bring that up and discuss it, she then has a choice to make what's more important for her in the long run. Maybe that's you and getting a different job, maybe that's her OF. That would be her choice if you give it to her. However don't let someone hold you hostage in a relationship that you're not happy in. (Heard some annoying girls threaten their BFs with suicide if they leave them, emotional abuse)

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u/2braintommy May 04 '21

It may just not be the right time, you're lucky its just a relationship and not marriage.

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u/Banksy11 May 04 '21

Oh my God! That's disgusting! Naked pics online? Where? Where did she post those?"

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u/AcrobaticBeat1616 May 04 '21

NGL we float this idea around as a joke but if money got tight id just be the dude banging her on the onlyfans. sounds like you were not in on the idea in the first place which indicates something was wrong before this.

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u/Alternative-Block809 May 05 '21

Mods removed this post because it challenges the narrative on sex positivity (even though he wasn't really shaming anyone for being involved in sex work, he just couldn't be personally involved with someone who was). All dissent is verboden.

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u/External-Tune1739 May 04 '21

Bail out my man, BAIL OUT !! 🪂

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u/TenaciousTack May 04 '21

Have you tried bringing this to her attention and trying to work something out?

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u/itsnotrealjustmagic May 05 '21 edited May 05 '21

If you are not happy, first try talking about it. Dont give an ultimatum, thats just your monkey brain talking. If talking fails, terminate the relationship and go find another one worthy of your love my guy.

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u/Slayer_Tip May 05 '21

Your GF is a ho. Leave her. Shes not worth your time. Money or space.

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u/HauntedAery333 May 04 '21

As someone who was the GF, it’s probably for the best. I completely lost my sex drive doing SW and even now have a trouble connecting the intimacy since I had to “perform” a lot of things I’d only do during sex. Ended up too tired to try during actual sex since it felt like I was supposed to treat it how I did my job.

To add: This isn’t how all sex workers are but it is the reality for some and no one needs to be in a relationship where their needs aren’t being fulfilled. Regardless of your job.

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u/JustJimHalpert May 04 '21

At least if you miss her, you can pay 7.99 to remember her best for a whole month!

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u/Ok_Subject_9740 May 04 '21

I don't think I could ever date a woman who had an only fans.

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u/DeadlyYellow May 04 '21

Would likely be cheaper to just subscribe.

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u/poopydiapey23 May 04 '21

Yeah me too. People will call me insecure for saying this but exclusivity is a huge part of relationships. Dating a girl with an onlyfans or other sex work is almost like being in a polyamorous relationship, you’re not the only person that is receiving sexual pleasure from that girl. No hate to polyamorous folk but that’s just not me.

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u/MathematicianSame887 May 04 '21

if you are unhappy, there is nothing wrong with ending the relationship. I think very, very few people would be happy with their significant other selling nudes or stripping.

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u/melaszepheos May 04 '21

Sounds like it's less about the sex work and more about the lack of effort in the relationship. She could be doing anything for work/money and still not doing anything in bed.

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u/emzirek May 04 '21

If you don't feel it, you don't feel it...

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u/Otherside-Dav May 04 '21

Humanity is just weird now. Prostitution and porn is becoming the norm. Yes they may by other names but essentially that what they are.

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u/[deleted] May 04 '21

only to lay and do nothing with me is infuriating.

I think that's the issue, not the photos.

Sounds like the relationship is already over, but you should at least discuss this first in case there are reasons for this you are unaware of.

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