r/ForeverAlone Jun 16 '21

If there is a god, its showing me clear signs

Ive made posts about this before, i have seen an escort before. It was about a year and a half ago but regardless, i saw one. As mentioned earlier i planned to make this a once a year thing but this year its been hilariously difficult. To the point where i think theres a higher power telling me something.

First part of the year i was being turned down by multiple of them for frivolous reasons. I dont know if covid caused a bunch of people from bigger cities to move here because of its low crime and lax covid regulations and this caused crime to sky rocket but every one of them is requiring more hoops to jump through than last time. Even if i jump through the hoops, they will turn me down for xyz. A couple months ago i was gonna meet up with one, then i got sick with covid, i was gonna see another one, family emergency came up and i was required to help, was gonna see another one today, woke up feeling nauseated, tried to fight it since 5 am, and though maybe i should eat, ended up throwing up all that ive ate. Now i have some stomach bug which is just great and had to call it off.

Im turning 23 today and was looking forward to getting well fucked on my birthday but looks like that isnt gonna happen. I have been extremely sexually frustrated and touch starved, this just compounds onto it. Im not sure how to release this frustration and stress without excessive masturbation but its really annoying. Maybe get a fleshlight? Regardless, when something is this difficult, that tells me i shouldnt be trying to do it. Im not sure if its possible to turn this frustration into motivation to improve and maybe find a girl who will cuddle with me and want to have sex with me but if this is some abstract sign from a higher power, it should know these things arent available to me. Its not possible to me. Im not sure what to do because im not sure how to live the life that its apparently telling me to.

37 Upvotes

4

u/6amrainclouds Jun 16 '21

Happy birthday!! See if you're feeling better in the evening?

4

u/Budget_Shift Jun 16 '21

I already told her I can't see her today. Tomorrow I work and I'm not sure if I'm gonna try to find another escort because clearly something is telling me something since last time it wasn't nearly this difficult. I'm running into this issue where I think at my core I'm seeing women as objects. I want to feel nice, and even though it's not just sex, I still want to use them to feel nice. Even something as innocent as a hug I want to get from them to feel good. And the thing is, they aren't there for anything but themselves. No amount of wanting is gonna change that. No girl might not want to do anything with me, and that just means there's something wrong with me. That's all. But over all I'm unwanted, so without escorts do I just live life without sex?

1

u/b_evil13 Jun 17 '21

I dont think you should give it up. I'd write the last year off. More practice makes it easier to try it irl. I wonder could you pay to have the girlfriend experience but where you are picking her up and have to work your way into it like you would a regular person you'd pick up. I'd say this would be less of a kink than they typically deal with, and something they may do from time to time.

1

u/Budget_Shift Jun 17 '21

>More practice makes it easier to try it irl.

I feel like the more i equate sex with money the harder its gonna be for me to have a normal relationship with a woman. And also, theres probably a lot of good women around me, they are just totally unacceptable because i couldnt improve myself in time. Its why i think genetically i an inferior. I couldnt do enough to work against the genetics i have. I couldnt look normal, or act normal, so i will live an abnormal life, a life without sex or love.

Not sure i am following, usually you are going to a hotel or they are going to your place. Since I dont want to bring a woman, who i just met, who has sex for money to my place, i usually go to hotels. GFE isnt usually offered around here but i will keep an eye out. I usually avoid them though because i know myself well enough that if a woman was telling me she loved me and we cuddled and all that stuff id probably cry. If you combined it with sex it would be far too intense for me to an uncomfortable level. Maybe that would be nice therapy, since she doesnt know you and wont care if you react that way. So one day i might try it. For now, im not sure what im gonna do.

Issue with seeing the last escort is i learned sex is so nice and relaxing and natural feeling. I felt human during it. I was enjoying another persons body but i didnt feel guilty about it. I learned a lot about myself that day, and i want to have it again. Its just i am not a normal person, i am genetically inferior and have horrible luck.

1

u/b_evil13 Jun 17 '21

To be clear im not FA. I joined this sub to understand and try to help my daughter. So I can't relate with what you are feeling completely. But my experience was that bc I was younger than my peers bc of starting school earlier than most and I remember feeling like I had to do things when I wasnt ready to be like everyone else. I remember the pressure I felt until I did something and then The relief afterward so thats why I think having more experience makes it easier to do the next time.

And I guess I just mean with the roll play that roll play is so common around sexual experience and especially with escorts that if you're meeting at a hotel with a bar...or perhaps you could do that like my city it's common to have hotel bars in the ones downtown. It obviously would probably be more than a motel 6 encounter but if you could try the whole pick up line, going up and introducing yourself you want a drink bit, hey let's take this upstairs. Just real life practicing. Maybe you don't do the cuddling part just the roll play picking her up so you don't get things that could be hurtful thinking about later.

I wish I could see pics of all of you that say you are genetically inferior to see what the "freakshow" you think you are working with is. My ex of 12 years i got with him based off a pic I saw of him in HS he was pretty hot I thought. 4 years later he was bald with the most messed up mouth not a great body by societies standards. He was too embarrassed to take his shirt off for years during intimacy would never take his hat off. I loved him and was deeply attracted to him during sex bc we had chemistry. Id say one of his only decent features was his eyes. But we had chemistry. That means so much more to most people than any type of supposed beauty standard set by society. My current partner i feel like the inferior one bc my weight and nose and big ass head and he was voted best looking in HS.

So I feel like the grossest chic he has ever been with im goth he was captain of football team. He was attracted to me bc my ooks he said but really bc I was the coolest girl he'd ever met and he never met a girl with such a personality before.

Personality means a lot more than typical features. I know you hear that and don't believe it but don't you see couples and think damn how did they end up together?

3

u/realmeneb City Jun 16 '21

Happy birthday!

3

u/gingertrain77 Jun 16 '21

I often say to myself that God has played a cruel joke on me and I have every right to be bitter towards him/her/it. Cursed

2

u/RisingChaos Jun 17 '21

Failure is a fact of life, not an indictment against your character. I’ve been busting my ass for the past 2+ years to “be my best self” and it hasn’t gotten me very far. There are shorter, uglier, meaner, lazier people than us who have no trouble moving in and out of relationships. Success is largely random. The sooner you learn that and stop hating yourself, life becomes a lot more tolerable in the meantime while you wait for your turn, so to speak. That also has the side effect of making you less mopey/more confident, which will improve your odds of future success.

Also, we still have half the calendar year to go. It might be disappointing you don’t get to celebrate your birthday with a romp in the sack, but COVID is on the way out so it should be much easier to do stuff by Fall/Winter.

3

u/Budget_Shift Jun 17 '21

Yeah, i know i need to do a few things regardless. Because another commenter made me realize that i have busted my ass a lot over the last four years, and that i shouldnt be angry at myself for not getting out of a hole fast enough, just that i am at least getting out of the hole. In four years i went from being this socially anxious, panic attack ridden teenager with maybe $400 to his name and no work experience, living with his parents, to having my own place and a job that pays well for my region and being able to talk to people easier. I think seeing that escort and doing risky things like that built my confidence to do whatever. Im still nervous flirting with girls because even today i cant get over the idea im not good enough and any relationship i get into needs to be ended because im obviously not good enough. Not only that, theres so many social ques i miss that are apparently bad that i just dont know about and i end up offending the woman or something.

I think what i need to do is quit watching so much porn, start working out, and work on my social skills and then i might be able to at a minimum, make new friends.

And yeah, you have a good point about winter, and since it gets cold here for so long in the winter i tend to want to do *stuff* more during that time. When you are cold you want a warm body with you in bed.

2

u/RisingChaos Jun 17 '21

I just meant stuff in general, as in everything is opening back up and people are relaxing on the precautions, but yeah.

Don’t reject yourself for the sake of others, put your ass out there and allow them to choose. There are people out there that will accept you, even embrace you. It just might require a lot of patience to wait for them.

2

u/Budget_Shift Jun 17 '21

Yeah, I've had women in my life that seemed to accept me but I made the choice for them that they shouldn't. I wish I could be someone I like and someone who I believe deserves love. If I didn't have so many mental issues I probably would of lost my virginity at like 18 to another virgin, which is so rare these days. But of course I didn't. I made the decision for her and pushed and any other girl I met away since I thought I was inferior.

1

u/lostwanderer28 Jun 16 '21

I also believe these are signs. Had similar ones when I tried to go the "sexting" route... at the end of the day I gotta say God was right, it is really not worth it.

1

u/thesehoesaintloyal88 Jun 17 '21

Happy related birthday. I recommend getting a flesh light on something similar (PM me if you want to know) on Amazon to help you out, in between the escort meetups.

1

u/AlexisLovesDavid Jun 20 '21

Happy belated bday 🎂