r/AskReddit 13d ago

So, what’s your plan for seducing Bill Gates?

84k Upvotes

14k

u/Necroniks_ 13d ago

I will stop pausing my windows updates

2k

u/rikari14 13d ago

This is true sacrifice

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u/frotc914 13d ago

The microsoft equivalent of this scene

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u/mynemejeffmynenejeff 13d ago

I can jump over two office chairs

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u/the_421_Rob 13d ago

Are we talked stacked or side by side?

630

u/Ninjy42 13d ago

Just two separate office chairs, at different times.

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u/[deleted] 13d ago

Actually just a small hop, on the second floor of a building. the first floor contains two office chairs

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u/readyjack 13d ago

I would neg him by repeatedly and 'accidentally' calling him Steve Jobs.

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u/kempez2 13d ago

Whispering sweet nothings into my COVID vaccine

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u/BeholdingBestWaifu 13d ago

We vaccinated folk are basically Borg now.

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u/stormfield 13d ago

I just got my second dose a few days ago, and now I have the unshakeable opinion that Bill Gates easily could easily outrun a car, win an MMA title, and also breathe underwater.

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u/Somestunned 13d ago

Hide "will you marry me" on page 37 of an EULA and get him to click "agree".

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u/107197 13d ago

In VERY tiny print, no less.

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u/tlmyasirs 13d ago

Make it micro soft

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u/AilanMoone 13d ago

This is one of the simplest ones but also one of the most realistic.

Good job.

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u/prncrny 13d ago

Not the request for married, but the marriage vows. Put THOSE in the Eula and make him agree. :)

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u/CaptainApathy419 13d ago

Exactly. “By agreeing to these Terms, you consent to be bound in holy matrimony in accordance with the laws of the state of Washington and all deities major and minor...”

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u/CharlieVermin 13d ago

"This agreement supersedes any applicable federal, state, and local laws, regulations and ordinances, international treaties, and legal agreements that would otherwise apply. If any provision of this agreement is found by a court to be unenforceable, it nevertheless remains in force."

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u/CaptainApathy419 13d ago

“Why didn’t I think of that?!?!?” -Every corporate lawyer reading your second sentence

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u/goaltendah 13d ago

Ah yes, the standoff in Honolulu.

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u/Gold-Perception-8021 13d ago

He seems like the kind who reads all the small print

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u/FrankaBob 13d ago

He seems like the kind who has his lawyers reads all the small print

FTFY

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u/her_butt_ 13d ago

Cool, then you get to marry one of his lawyers!

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u/TheDonger_ 13d ago

Moving up in the food chain. We'll work our way to Bill eventually

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u/Mindless_Criticism87 13d ago

You..you plan to eat the lawyer?

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u/TheKCKid9274 13d ago

Then in WHITE print, at the very end

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u/Shawaii 13d ago

I'm going after Melinda.

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u/R-EDDIT 13d ago

She's returning to her true love, Bob®️

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u/lyzzrd 13d ago

Bob Vance, Vance refrigeration?

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u/Jerkrollatex 13d ago

A person with taste. She's the cute one.

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u/cheeeems 13d ago

but has melinda jumped over an office chair in her youth? didn't think so

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u/Compulsive-Gremlin 13d ago

Can she jump one now? I’m looking for flexibility.

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u/Nothing-But-Lies 13d ago

I'm available 7 days per week

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u/Roxas1011 13d ago

Speak for yourself, I'm a sucker for those glasses.

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u/wsb-narrator 13d ago

I’m not gay but Bill is a snack. 😉

2k

u/Self_Reddicating 13d ago

I'm not gay, but $65,000,000,000 is $65,000,000,000.

471

u/JDdoc 13d ago

$121 billion, as of yesterday. Oh. Maybe post-divorce.

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u/Self_Reddicating 13d ago

Yep. I don't want to feel too greedy and only focus on what could-have-been rather than what is. Mr. Gates, daddy, if you're reading this, know that, at least.

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u/Fair_University 13d ago

Same. Slightly easier target and I think I’ll have an easier time having sex with her.

Although truthfully if we’re playing this game Mackenzie Bezos is the one to go after

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u/ZheoTheThird 13d ago

She's happily married with their son's science teacher, so you're out of luck.

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u/bikeridingmonkey 13d ago

What about his son, is he single?

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u/thinkofanamefast 13d ago edited 13d ago

You'll have the biggest commissary account in the whole prison.

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u/LucyBowels 13d ago

Christ

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u/Kgirrs 13d ago

hello, FBI?

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u/Agent641 13d ago

Dude its 2am. How did you get my home number?

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u/Fair_University 13d ago

Awww man. Alright, back on Melinda I guess

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u/GsTSaien 13d ago

God damn it Bill you just want horny fan fiction about yourself. Get out of reddit, did you think we wouldn't be able to tell?

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u/Dans_Old_Games_Room 13d ago

I got an email in suspiciously broken English from Bill Gates a couple of weeks back saying he wanted to give me 50,000,000 USD so I don't need to bother seducing him.

Hopefully the £20,000 I sent him for clearance of the funds will have gone through by now so I should be getting my money any day now.

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u/fuckwitsabound 13d ago

Gotta be quicker than the bank my Nigerian prince uses!

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u/dev298 13d ago

The the deposit king of Nigeria emails you asking for help you help him. Period.

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u/goblinsholiday 13d ago

This is why we need to abolish spam filters. Good hard working people are losing out on opportunities for millions of dollars and hooking up with lonely singles near us.

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u/fearain 13d ago

Fun Fact; Bill Gates writes in broken English because he is used to writing so much code he forgot how to write a lot of English. Anyway, Just don’t worry too much about it

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u/Dominating14 13d ago

Yeah exactly, send another £20k just to be sure

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u/ThisIsAHuman-J 13d ago

Wow, that sounds like fantastic deal!

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u/misterdonjoe 13d ago

I only use Edge.

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u/BB1CC 13d ago

That's nothing, I set IE as my default browser.

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u/Boss_Boggs 13d ago

DISQUALIFIED.

Have you not been on the internet?

New Microsoft is bullying early Microsoft out of the market. Live life on the edge.

Life.

Is.

Edge.

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u/MadKnifeIV 13d ago

He's using IE. The news about that will be released in a couple of years

768

u/KrapfenAddicted 13d ago

He's actually lying to us because he couldn't be here commenting

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u/8-36 13d ago

Sometimes time warps around IE and this happens.

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u/its-over-VMMMM 13d ago

They're actually from our future, about 20 years

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u/Nihilikara 13d ago

Only with Internet Explorer can you learn of this new coronavirus thing that's starting to spread in China.

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u/HanHeite 13d ago

Yeah, SARS looks scary

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u/Nihilikara 13d ago

I hope they can come up with a polio vaccine soon

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u/CHUA90 13d ago

ahhh edging.. i see...

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u/AdvocateSaint 13d ago

"I know where to get bananas for less than 10 dollars"

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u/T3alZ3r0 13d ago

"Unfortunately, every apple I come across is overpriced and isn't very good."

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u/Task_wizard 13d ago

He actually did a “how out of touch are you” kind of thing with Ellen a while back where she asked him the price of a bunch of groceries and normal people stuff. Surprisingly he was pretty spot on with everything except tide pods, which he guessed way low on - but it made since to me because he was probably basing it on how much normal detergent cost which is shockingly cheaper.

That said, I love the arrested development reference I think that is.

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u/dirty_side_of_fun 13d ago

Tell him I want him for his "not money"

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u/OneTIME_story 13d ago

His "not money" is at Melinda's now

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u/Iam-KD 13d ago

Yeah, she gonna be one of the richest women after this.

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u/Vicstolemylunchmoney 13d ago

Serenading him with an acoustic version of 'It's all about the Pentiums'. Then having the monitor blow up after the tech support line, at which time I lean over to Bill and say 'I think you need to insert your gold plated monster cable'.

Instantly engaged.

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u/aaandIpoopedmyself 13d ago

*fans face, to relieve the vapors.

And then what?

968

u/Vicstolemylunchmoney 13d ago

Then he leans over and says 'Open your gates and I'll give you the Bill'.

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u/Sashie- 13d ago

Thanks, I hate it

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u/LordCitrus 13d ago edited 13d ago

It has to be natural, I don't think Bill would take kindly to all the gold-diggers plotting to seduce him as we speak in dark corners of the internet.

I want to captivate him, and make myself accessible at the same time. Get him to make the first move.

I'll research his interests, and write multiple NYT bestsellers books in those categories. Then, I'll hold a number of book signings suspiciously overlapping with Bill's travel itinerary until we finally meet for the first time, and we exchange numbers.

I'll frequent his haunts, and flash a smile at him every time. Soon we're talking daily like old friends. About our projects, about our vision for the world, about our loneliness and desires. Something resonates with him, and I feel his heart beat faster whenever we're together. We play tennis, we travel, we work together. I help out at his foundation, Melinda keeps giving me the stink eye. Everyone can see it but Bill himself.

Then, one day he sees Bezos chatting me up and a deep burning rage bellows up inside him and it finally clicks. He likes me. He's jealous.

We're together for barely a month before I move in. I satisfy him like Melinda never did. A year goes by before he proposes to me, but I stop him and say, "only with a prenup".

And that's when he knows it's true love. I set out to seduce him, but somewhere along the line he seduced me back. We fuck like rabbits till sunrise.

Something is missing, we can't have children together, but nothing's ever stopped Bill before. He funds 150 startups with promising biotechnology to allow two men to conceive a biological child. It's silly. Inane. Will there even be enough market demand to recoup all the research investment? It doesn't matter. He's doing this for us.

A short 3 years later, one of the experimental genetic techniques yields an embryo with a perfect mix of our DNA. It's a boy. The gays are jealous and demand access but it's a good 10 years before FDA approval for the public.

We spend a glorious 20 years together before Bill passes. So short, yet it felt like several lifetimes. Still, the grief is too much and I die of grief still holding his hand an hour later.

When I wake up, my memories come flooding back as I exit the simulation. My mind is a jumbled mess and my heart pounds in confusion, but I rip open my pod and find Bill there waiting. We cry into each other's arms and hold each other tight. Somehow, in that vast virtual world, we had found each other.

The media gets ahold of the preposterous story and calls it a hoax, a setup, a fraud. Among billions of people, we found each other and overcame all odds? Overcoming differences in age, class, sexuality... no one believes it except us.

We'll always find a way.

We're soulmates.

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u/nrcssa 13d ago

the very least Bill could do is sponsoring your writing career after this masterpiece

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u/LordCitrus 13d ago

Rest assured, he will be sponsoring my writing career by purchasing one of my books next year as planned.

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u/LouMorr 13d ago

All hale LordCitrus, he is the chosen one!

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u/cathandler319 13d ago

You sir, just went full circle. Bravo

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u/TheSquishyUK 13d ago

Out of all of them, I wish this one the best

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u/slimslite 13d ago

I distinctly remember uninstalling Wattpad.

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u/PinkSparklyClogs 13d ago

Nah, Ao3 has found you...

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u/No_Power_1853 13d ago

I appreciate this comment so much 😂😂

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u/no2ironman1100 13d ago

it is a mandatory dose now.

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u/nmyi 13d ago

How do I become an amazing short story writer like yourself

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u/LordCitrus 13d ago

Well, you know how struggling artists draw furry porn to pay the bills?

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u/nmyi 13d ago

i am apprehensive about approaching this, but i'm listening...

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u/ICanNotOdd 13d ago

I'm pretty sure he's saying to start with writing erotica 💀 alternatively, you could browse through /r/WritingPrompts and even attempt to respond to some yourself. You'll definitely see a marked improvement within a few weeks

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u/CandenzaMoon 13d ago

I have a feeling that you'll be the one to succeed. If not, please take me into consideration instead, kay? I'm already in love with your eloquence.

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u/valkyrhino 13d ago

Where was this plot when producers were funding vampire franchises!

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u/alyssaoutside 13d ago

I skipped past your username and naively assumed a woman wrote this so let me tell you, the “allow two men to conceive a biological child” plot twist took me out.

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u/LordCitrus 13d ago

Thank you, I only realized halfway through that what I wrote was gender-neutral due to removing all the explicit sex scenes as to not scar readers.

664

u/GremlinInTheWoods 13d ago

Where do I get the uncensored version?

382

u/ImT0TALLYserious 13d ago

Asking for a friend

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u/alyssaoutside 13d ago

Melinda, you can just say it’s you.

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u/shei350 13d ago

oh come on, I'm asking for myself, to read and enjoy

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u/AltSpRkBunny 13d ago

If we didn’t want to be emotionally scarred, we wouldn’t be on reddit.

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u/Nipples-miniac 13d ago

“The gays are jealous” lol

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u/MolaMolaMate 13d ago

Just two heterosexual men happily conceiving a child

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u/SquilliamFancySon95 13d ago

Fuck I'd watch this movie. Forget Reddit Island, let's use that sweet stonks money on this.

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u/BlueIcarusCentauri 13d ago

I mean... it could work

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u/EvandeReyer 13d ago

Captivating.

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u/comfortablynumb1995 13d ago

This is great

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u/AilanMoone 13d ago

If only Hallmark could write this good

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u/Chaz_wazzers 13d ago

Nothing, he knows where to find me... I've been vaccinated

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u/irrelevantadvisor 13d ago edited 13d ago

As a Microsoft employee I can tell you that's not how it works.

The chip is designed to place itself inside your buttcheek when inserted through the vaccine. To activate it tho you'll have to gently cup your ass & loudly chant TRACK ME DADDY .

Only then the chip will activate enabling Mr. Gates to find you.

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u/The_Realest_Adam 13d ago

Will twerking cause the chip to shift or malfunction? Asking for a friend.

3k

u/irrelevantadvisor 13d ago edited 13d ago

No, the chip is designed & tested keeping in mind all the trends like twerking,wap etc. It's construction is as sturdy as it gets.

The only possible way you can destroy it is by using essential oils.

They are too strong & highly effective in destroying not only these chips but also some of our special 5g equipments (which we strictly use for communication purposes only*).

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u/Janeiskla 13d ago

Let me guess: only essential oils from MLMs really work to deactivate the chips?

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u/UnlurkedToPost 13d ago

A Himalayan Salt butt plug will align your chakras into focusing your chi on the 5g chip, destroying it. It's like how sunlight focused bya magnifying glass can burn things.

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u/Janeiskla 13d ago

Can I just buy it or do I have to sign up to be a boss buttplug babe and join your downline?

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u/egeym 13d ago

Jokes aside a Himalayan salt butt plug would kill you.

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u/noobvorld 13d ago

This I gotta know more about.

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u/egeym 13d ago

Salt is surprisingly toxic.

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u/DoxBox 13d ago

And yet straight up vital for human life

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u/UnicornPenguinCat 13d ago

I suspect it's because it would cause intense dehydration of your insides (I think the salt would draw the water out of your cells and cause you to shrivel from the inside out).

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u/the_old_mans_words 13d ago

Tonight, on 1,000 ways to die...

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u/SirFiesty 13d ago

Essential oils work to temporarily disable the trackers, but the only way to truly counter the vaccine is to drink a new organic recipe I call 'Healing Fluid.' The fake doctors call it 'bleach', and say it 'will fuck you up or kill you please don't fucking drink bleach you idiot', but don't mind them.

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u/Janeiskla 13d ago

What do they know anyways? It's not like they went to university or something..

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u/SecurerOfBags 13d ago

Buncha stupid science bitches, the lot of em!

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u/MelonheadGT 13d ago

Shungite

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u/Russian_For_Rent 13d ago

Anyways, um... I bought a whole bunch of shungite rocks, do you know what shungite is? Anybody know what shungite is? No, not Suge Knight, I think he's locked up in prison. I'm talkin' shungite. Anyways, it's a two billion year-old like, rock stone that protects against frequencies and unwanted frequencies that may be traveling in the air. That's my story, I bought a whole bunch of stuff. Put 'em around the la casa. Little pyramids, stuff like that.

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u/mrkhan2000 13d ago

*nervous twerking*

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u/Pascalswag 13d ago

Somewhere Bill Gates decides to spend a few moments browsing Reddit.

He sees this thread and chuckles to himself. He scrolls through all the silly puns and fun answers.

Then he reads your comment.

For the first time in many years, Bill Gates feel regret.

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u/irrelevantadvisor 13d ago edited 13d ago

Nah, he's a nice person who'll see the funny side of this I'm sure.

Besides he really only gets angry when you talk about those secret chemtrail projects that we've been working on lately.

He told anyone who speaks a word of it will be killed immidiately but being the fun loving guy that he is I'm sure he was just joki

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u/Jive-Turkies 13d ago

Once he sees the 5 g tower I'm packing, he'll have no choice but to vaccinate me hard and deep. He'll jump this like it's an office chair.

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u/mechapple 13d ago

Everyone gangsta until they meet a jumpy Gates

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u/jabbathefoot 13d ago

Billy Goat Gates

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u/ithinkoutloudtoo 13d ago

Show him my old Dell desktop running Windows XP Professional. It still starts and runs great.

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u/Dwirthy 13d ago

Move along, I still have my Pentium II with Windows 2000.

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u/bow_down_whelp 13d ago

I want to know what the thermal paste looks like

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u/Dwirthy 13d ago

I haven't opened it in over 20 years and I'm too scared to do it.

I'm scared what's in that tower.

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u/[deleted] 13d ago

If you've ever been on the web, there will be spiders inside guaranteed. Big ones.

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u/[deleted] 13d ago edited 13d ago

[removed]

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u/Uberzwerg 13d ago

Smart - one of the few women whose lives wouldn't be affected by his wealth very much.

"You want me to move in with you, Bill? But your home is tiny!"

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u/babybopp 13d ago

Looks small but I can RAM more in there than I think

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u/mister_newbie 13d ago

640K to be clear. Should be enough for anyone, your Majesty.

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u/abejfehr 13d ago

Do you just sprinkle links into your comments? Is it for linkbuilding?

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u/Gned11 13d ago

Edited a sneaky link to a good cause, just cos there are eyes on this.

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u/abejfehr 13d ago

Well played

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u/Njakusi 13d ago

And become the duke of Edinburgh

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u/vorpalpillow 13d ago

Then launch a new dating app

Microsoft Consort

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u/Daputti 13d ago

Wouldn't he also become... Ahem... Prince William

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u/Cain1608 13d ago

Prince Billiam

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u/MikeMontrealer 13d ago

I break into Bill Gates’ house at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, Bill catches me. He tells me to stop. It's his house; he’s Bill. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell him to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada - I don't trust him. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Bill to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. He’s been waiting for me all these years, he’s never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

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u/markbug4 13d ago

Is this a (Microsoft) Office quote?

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u/[deleted] 13d ago edited 10d ago

[deleted]

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u/trixie_trixie 13d ago

I’m just going to show him my 3 shares of GME so he knows I’m self-made and not going after his money. Then when that works, we’ll marry, and I’ll take all his money to buy more GME

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u/WoobyWiott 13d ago

Make sure to include in the prenup that should you divorce, you get ALL the GME.

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u/Man_Bear_Beaver 13d ago

I'm gonna dress up in a clippy costume and pop up out of nowhere and ask him if he needs help

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u/imdanwyatt 13d ago
  1. Convince him he’s gay

  2. Convince myself I’m gay

  3. ????

  4. Profit

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u/19southmainco 13d ago

‘Are you thinking... what I’m thinking?’

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u/thecynicaltrashbag 13d ago

I live in Seattle so I plan to just loiter around his house until he falls in love <3

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u/Roxas1011 13d ago

Maybe it's been a while since I've seen it, but I don't think that's what happened in Sleepless in Seattle... :/

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u/loglady17 13d ago

You could kayak near his house and “accidentally” get stuck on his property. At the same time he’s outside admiring Lake Washington. He sees you and helps you get unstuck. Cue Love Actually style music and what a meet cute that would be.

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u/jayeelle 13d ago

So, what’s your plan for seducing Melinda Gates?

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u/ooh_a_phoenix 13d ago

Make her jealous by dating Bill.

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u/innocentangel876 13d ago edited 11d ago

Make his floppy disk turn into a hard drive ;)

Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!

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u/MangoesDeep 13d ago

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u/HuskyLuke 13d ago

Anyone who strongly and publicly attests to angelic innocence surely is overcompensating for some sort of untoward goings-on.

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u/innocentangel876 13d ago

Aaaahahahahahaha

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u/Roxas1011 13d ago

And RAM you in the recycling bin

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u/your-playboy 13d ago edited 13d ago

Tell him that he has Access to all my information and I Excel at being a successful person as I have a practical Outlook on life. He could take my Word for it and we could work in Teams and open the Windows and at the same time help him with his Office work. I would also take him for OneDrive which would be an unforgettable trip.

I assume that I made a PowerPoint.

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u/BenTennyson2101 13d ago edited 13d ago

Make sure you Kinect well with him

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u/themormansound 13d ago

Things might get Clippy!

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u/vorpalpillow 13d ago

I see that you’re searching for

porn

would you like some help with that

👀

📎

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u/poopellar 13d ago

"No"

"No isn't an option"

👀

📎

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u/Mlatz 13d ago edited 13d ago

He'll be attracted to my package instantly: micro and soft

Edit: didn't expect to add a digit or 2 to my karma overnight. Thank you kind strangers!

Maybe at 100k I'll sell him my body like I'm Bethesda or Minecraft.

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u/sban2009 13d ago

You blow, Jobs!

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u/T_Lawliet 13d ago

You Arrogant Prick!

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u/DarthSatoris 13d ago

With your second-hand jeans and your turtleneck.

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u/Rules-for-Barmaids 13d ago

I'll drill a hole through the middle of your bony head

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u/Rohanite272 13d ago

With your own little spinning beach ball of death

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u/zeratul123x 13d ago

Hippie, you got given up at birth!

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u/JaegerB 13d ago

I give away your net worth to AIDS research!

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u/alialkaram 13d ago

I'm gonna make a comment on this Reddit post and then hope that he reads it.

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u/NuderWorldOrder 13d ago

Listen I can't use this myself, I don't really have the body for it, but free tip for the cute ladies: Cortana cosplay.

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u/rukk1339 13d ago

I really suck at seduction. I’d probably offer him an Apple.

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u/BKKxwampnuts 13d ago

Pretend im a virus, he will come to me with billions.

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u/mvcourse 13d ago

Time to dust off the old Zune

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u/jclom0 13d ago

You show me your water reclamation project and I’ll show you mine.

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u/Jazzlike_Formal162 13d ago
  • - Bill: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
  • - Me: "I Excel at it."
  • - Bill: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
  • - Me: "Word".

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u/Ok-Lingonberry-2079 13d ago

"Hey Bill Your Office Onfire"

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u/TitaniumDragon 13d ago

I put on my robe and wizard hat.

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u/chanaramil 13d ago

Forget bill gates I'm going after queen Elizabeth

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u/temmieTheLord2 13d ago

Do I have to?

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u/Auren1988 13d ago

Tell him he can still fuck Melinda one weekend a year. Worked for her 🤷🏻‍♂️